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Did Simone Biles Have A Baby? Fake News & Intrusive Questions
My phone screen was the only source of light in the nursery, casting an eerie blue glow over Twin A's aggressively snotty face at fourteen minutes past three in the morning. I was trapped in that specific, hallucinatory layer of...
The Unexpected Drama of Having a Hip Dysplasia Baby
The six-week checkup at your local NHS GP surgery is supposed to be a relatively victorious milestone. You have kept a human alive for a month and a half, you're operating on a cumulative total of eleven minutes of sleep,...
The Brutal Truth About Baby Bracelets and Why I Totally Panicked
We were somewhere between the second slice of dry Victoria sponge and Florenceβs inevitable afternoon meltdown when my wife's great-aunt produced the velvet box. We had survived the actual christening with only a moderate amount of screaming (mostly from me,...
The Soft Play Disaster That Made Me Buy Boys Apparel For Twins
The static electricity in the ball pit at Pirate Peteβs Soft Play in Croydon was strong enough to power a small electric vehicle. I know this because my two-year-old twin daughters, Maya and Zoe, were currently trapped inside it, looking...
My Humiliating History With Kids and the Bulky Knit Sweater
It was November 2019, and I was standing outside a Trader Joe's in the freezing rain, wearing yoga pants that definitely had day-old oat milk latte spilled down the thigh. I was trying to wedge my screaming eighteen-month-old, Leo, into...
Finding the Best Kinder Spielzeug Without Losing Your Mind
It was 2:13 AM, I was carrying a barely-sleeping six-month-old, and my bare foot found the one object in the living room that doesn't just squeakβit sings a loud, unhinged, techno remix of "Old MacDonald" when you step on it....
Why I Attempted Babydecke Stricken (And Almost Lost My Mind)
My mother-in-law slapped a skein of neon acrylic on our kitchen island and told me it was indestructible. Three hours later, the guy at the local Portland yarn shop looked at me like I'd asked to poison the water supply...
A Dad's Panic Over iPad Search Histories and the Tar Baby Meaning
Dear Marcus from six months ago: Put down the cold brew. Stop hyperventilating over the iPad browser history. Your nine-year-old niece who's crashing at your house for the weekend isn't a secret 19th-century racist, and your 11-month-old son (who currently...
The absolute truth about those sweet baby inc games you heard about
Tuesday night is usually reserved for mindless scrolling and pretending I'm going to fold the laundry. Instead, my phone buzzed with a WhatsApp forward from a local parent group. The message was entirely in caps, warning us to protect our...