Why Those Vintage Pretty Little Baby Lyrics Actually Work
It's currently 2:14 PM on a Tuesday, I've exactly three minutes to move laundry from the washer to the dryer before my youngest wakes up from her nap, and my oldest is somewhere in the living room pressing a button...
Why My First Stair Gate Was a Complete Disaster and Other Confessions
I dropped an entire basket of freshly folded onesies right at the bottom of the steps when I saw it. My oldest son, Carterβwho's now five and still the absolute poster child for why I've gray hairβwas nine months old...
The Baby Beluga Musician Was Right About Everything All Along
The radiator in our Chicago apartment was making that rhythmic clicking sound it only makes at three in the morning. My toddler was executing a flawless, rigid back-arch scream, the kind that usually shows either a dropped pacifier or a...
Why A Tiny Green Alien Explains My Entire First Year Of Fatherhood
It's 3:14 AM, and my eleven-month-old is currently trying to shove a completely intact, unpeeled banana into his left ear while maintaining unblinking, terrifying eye contact with me. I'm wearing sweatpants I haven't washed since Tuesday and a Mandalorian t-shirt...
Living With a Real Life Boss Baby: Who Is Actually in Charge?
Before the twins were born, my mother-in-law tapped her teacup and said, "Establish dominance early, Tom, or they'll walk all over you." Two days later, a bloke at the Dog & Duck assured me, "Just let 'em cry, mate, show...
Why Baby Reindeer is Actually a Terrible Nursery Theme (And Show)
On a random Tuesday last month, I received three completely contradictory pieces of data within the span of six hours. First, my coworker Todd slacked me a message between server deployments saying, "Dude, you gotta check out that baby reindeer...
The Truth About That Massive Amazon Baby Registry Checklist
I was exactly thirty-two weeks pregnant with my oldest, sitting on the floor of my half-painted nursery at two in the morning, sobbing uncontrollably because a little green progress bar on my laptop told me my list was only forty...
How to keep your lil baby alive without losing your entire mind
Listen, I spent my first two weeks as a mother doing everything exactly wrong. It was three in the morning, and I was bouncing violently on a yoga ball, aggressively shushing while balancing my phone on my shoulder to play...
Debugging the baby shark phase: Viral videos and double teeth
Don't ever assume an algorithm knows how to soothe your kid better than you do. I learned this the hard way at a coffee shop on Hawthorne last Tuesday, thinking a quick blast of YouTube would act as a temporary...