The Michelin Star Delusion: Surviving the Home Baby Bistro Era
I'm currently staring at a bright orange smear on my kitchen ceiling that has been there for three consecutive days. Apparently, an 11-month-old baby can generate enough torque in his right arm to launch a silicone spoonful of artisanal sweet...
Debugging Stage 1 Baby Food: A Dad's First Bites Protocol
It's 6:14 PM on a Tuesday, and I'm currently staring at a splatter of bright orange sweet potato puree on my kitchen ceiling. I'm trying to reverse-engineer the physics of how a human being weighing exactly 16.4 pounds managed to...
The Messy Truth About Baby Yogurt: What I Wish I Knew Back Then
I'm currently staring at a crusty, suspicious white stain on my kitchen ceiling and I've absolutely no idea how it got there. Wait, no, yes I do. It's whole milk Greek yogurt, flung with the precision of an Olympic shot...
Dear Past Marcus: Debugging the First Baby Smash Cake
I'm currently using a plastic putty knife to scrape hardened Greek yogurt off the kitchen baseboards. It's 10:43 PM on a Saturday. The baby is finally asleep, though his hair still smells faintly of mashed bananas and damp sponge. So,...
The unspoken truth about baby rice cereal and starting solids
My mother-in-law was hovering by the kitchen island at two in the morning, holding a cardboard box of generic infant flakes and shaking it at my husband like it was a maraca. She whispered that if we just put a...
The Great Sweet Potato Incident: A Very Messy Guide to First Foods
It was a Tuesday at exactly 2:14 PM, and I was wearing my husband Dave's gray college t-shirt that had a mysterious, crusty stain on the left shoulder. I was sitting at our kitchen island, staring blankly at the wall,...
What Is Baby Led Weaning? My Messy, Honest Survival Story
It was 2:14 PM on a Tuesday, and I was wearing a gray nursing tank that smelled faintly of sour milk and desperation. I was standing in the middle of my kitchen, holding a giant, freshly steamed floret of broccoli...
When Can Babies Eat Baby Food? A Dad's Guide To The Mess
It was 5:43 PM on a Tuesday, and I was sitting cross-legged on the kitchen floor, using a single wet wipe to scrape what used to be a premium organic avocado off the skirting board. Above me, my twin daughters...
Why Every Baby Math Formula Is Basically Lying To You
It was 3:14 AM, and I was sitting on the nursery floor wearing my husband Markβs oversized gray college sweatpantsβthe ones with the mystery bleach stain on the kneeβaggressively typing numbers into my glowing phone screen while my coffee from...