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The Completely Honest Survival Guide to Your First Baby Bath
I was sitting on the freezing cold hex tiles of our master bathroom, wearing a nursing bra that smelled strongly of sour milk, crying. It was 2017, Leo was exactly eight days old, and my husband Dave was holding him...
Dear Past Me: Surviving The Literal Baby Bat And Bath Time Chaos
Dear Sarah from six months ago, It's exactly 7:14 PM on a Tuesday and you're currently kneeling on the damp bathroom tiles in an oversized, bleach-stained Nirvana t-shirt that you haven't washed in a week. You're dripping with lukewarm water...
Why We Traded Stuffy Showers for the Modern Co-Ed Baby Bash
I'm sitting on a pastel-pink velvet chair in a suburban banquet hall watching my cousin unwrap her nineteenth burp cloth. Someone is measuring her waist with toilet paper while a group of aunts I haven't seen since my wedding stare...
Postpartum Baby Bangs: A Dad's Guide to the Hair Regrowth Glitch
Dear Marcus of six months ago: Put down the industrial drain snake and take a deep breath. I know you just pulled a clump of hair out of the shower drain that looks roughly the size of a wet squirrel,...
How to Survive Your Baby Announcement With Your Dignity Intact
I'm standing in our damp London garden, holding two helium balloons shaped like the numbers one and two, while my wife tries to gently coax our neurotic rescue greyhound into wearing a chalkboard sign around his neck. The sign says...
Why a Baby Alligator is My Toddler's Weirdest Obsession
It's Tuesday at 2 PM, and I'm standing in this aggressively air-conditioned reptile sanctuary off the highway in Florida, sweating through a vintage band tee that used to be my favorite before it got permanently stained with oat milk. I'm...
Why the Baby Alien Fan Bus Search Trap Ruined My Tuesday Morning
The iPad was smeared with a mixture of dribble and what I desperately hope was Marmite, sitting dangerously close to the edge of the kitchen island. It was 6:15 on a Tuesday morning, it was raining in that aggressively persistent...
How The Creepy Screaming Ash Baby Internet Joke Ruined My Tuesday
My sister-in-law texted me at 6:15 AM demanding I lock all our household iPads in a fireproof safe because a "soot infant" is destroying the youth. My mate Dave replied to a WhatsApp group roughly forty-five minutes later arguing that...
Doomscrolling Paternity Drama: A Dad's Guide to Co-Parenting
It's exactly 3:14 AM. The nursery thermostat reads 68.4 degrees, which I know because I check the data monitor compulsively whenever the floorboards creak. My eleven-month-old son is currently asleep on my chest, dead weight and drooling onto my collarbone....