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Why that viral I love you baby song became my 3 AM survival tool
The digital clock on the microwave reads 3:14 AM. The radiator in our Chicago apartment is making that rhythmic hissing sound it only makes when it's negative ten degrees outside. I'm pacing the narrow hallway between the kitchen and the...
I Can Be Your Hero Baby: Why the Supermom Myth is Total Trash
I was standing at the kitchen sink yesterday, elbow-deep in cold dishwater and crusted oatmeal, when my throwback playlist shuffled to Enrique Iglesias. Right as he dramatically whispered that he can be your hero, baby, I actually snorted so loud...
Real Advice on How to Stop Baby Hiccups Without Losing Your Mind
"Put a wet piece of thread on his forehead," my mother-in-law instructed over FaceTime, holding her phone entirely too close to her face. My neighbor, who means well but reads too many mommy blogs, told me later that afternoon to...
Getting rid of oral thrush without losing your mind
It's three in the morning in Chicago. You're holding your phone flashlight in your mouth, trying to pry your screaming infant's lips apart in the dark. You see a thick white coating all over their tongue. You immediately assume the...
The Real Truth About How To Make Baby Villagers Grow Faster
Last Tuesday at 3:14 AM, the ambient temperature in my living room was exactly 68.4 degrees, I was running on four hours of deeply fragmented sleep, and I was aggressively throwing virtual carrots at a digital infant. I was desperately...
How To Master Oven-Baked Baby Back Ribs Without Ruining Dinner
I'm staring at a piece of pork that has the structural integrity of a radial tire. It's six fifteen in the evening. My toddler is doing that rhythmic, high-pitched hyperventilating thing that usually means we're two minutes away from an...
Why Super Creek Goo Goo Babies Isn't The Parenting Trend You Think
I was elbow-deep in a basket of mismatched toddler socks yesterday, trying to figure out how a house with five people produces seventy-three single left socks, when my fourteen-year-old nephew snorted from the couch. He was supposed to be helping...
Spotting the Symptoms of RSV in Babies Before You Panic
"Just put sliced raw onions in his socks," my neighbor Brenda texted me at 11 PM on a Tuesday, which is honestly unhinged behavior but I was too tired to block her. Meanwhile, my mother-in-law had already called twice to...
Why My Husband's Tactical Baby Carrier Actually Drives Me Crazy
"You're going to overheat that poor child in that bulletproof vest," my mom announced from the kitchen island, staring at the massive olive-green rig strapped to my husband's chest. Not five minutes later, his hunting buddy Mike texted him a...