Debugging the Bratty G Baby Phase Before You Lose Your Mind
Yesterday, my 11-month-old threw a shoe at my head because I wouldn't let him eat a handful of potting soil, which prompted three completely different unsolicited diagnoses from the people in my life. My mom, who aggressively refers to him...
Surviving The Boss Bitch Baby Phase Without Losing Your Dignity
Tuesday, 6:14 AM. The sun hasn't quite breached the London skyline, but my flat is already the site of a hostile corporate takeover. Clementine is standing in her cot, holding a soggy rice cake like a gavel, demanding that I...
What the Blueface Baby Tabloid Drama Actually Taught Me About Safety
My mom called me last week in an absolute panic saying I needed to delete my apps because parents were chucking their infants at walls, my neighbor Sarah cornered me at the mailbox to tell me belly button hernias mean...
The Moldy Bath Toy and My Black Killer Whale Baby Obsession
It was 4:12 AM, and I was standing on the freezing, fake-marble tile of our upstairs bathroom wearing Dave's college sweatpantsβthe ones with the literal hole in the crotch that I refuse to throw away because the waistband is basically...
Bigbang Fantastic Baby: A Dad's Guide to Infant Auditory Safety
It's 2:14 PM on a Tuesday. I'm standing in the exact center of our living room in Portland, holding an 11-month-old who's currently wearing only a diaper and one mismatched sock, while the opening synth chords of a legendary 2012...
I would like to see the baby and other newborn terrors
It's 3:18 AM in a freezing Chicago apartment. I'm holding a seven-pound alien that's currently shrieking like a defective smoke detector. My husband is dead asleep on the couch, entirely oblivious. I'm scrolling a forum with my free thumb and...
The 'Is Your Baby Crying Meme' Explained: A Letter To Past Me
3:14 AM. The Apple Watch on my wrist is vibrating, aggressively warning me that the ambient noise level has reached 95 decibelsβroughly the equivalent of standing next to a gas-powered lawnmower. The noise source is exactly fourteen inches from my...
It's All Over Now: Surviving The Postpartum Day Five Crash
My mate Dave, over a very hurried pint three weeks before the twins arrived, told me the secret to the first week at home was to "just keep the kettle on and your head down." The glossy NHS leaflet we...
Jacqueline MacInnes Wood Baby Number 5 And The Boy Mom Chaos
Yesterday at roughly ten past four in the afternoon, I was lying spread-eagled on our sitting room rug while Twin A attempted to forcefully insert a plastic spoon into Twin B's left nostril. I had what I sincerely hoped was...