Magazine

Exhausted dad in a messy Portland kitchen staring at a baby monitor

Why your favorite audio show won't patch your infant's firmware

It’s 3:17 AM. The Portland rain is aggressively smacking against the kitchen window. I've exactly one AirPod in, listening to some pediatric sleep guru explain the best ambient temperature for a nursery, while my sonβ€”an 11-month-old dictator I lovingly refer...

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Dad holding a tiny sheepskin winter boot next to an 11-month-old baby.

Dear Past Marcus: The Truth About the Ugg Baby Boot Obsession

It's 4:12 PM on a rainy Tuesday in late November, and you're sweating completely through your flannel shirt while crouched on the mudroom floor trying to shove an angry, curled-up infant foot into a ridiculously expensive miniature sheepskin tube. You're...

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A tired dad holding a sleeping baby wrapped in an organic cotton blanket.

Raising a Lil Baby Son: Hip-Hop Myths and the Messy Reality

My mate Dave invited me over last Tuesday to meet his newborn, and within four minutes of crossing the threshold, he proudly showed me the tiny, immaculate pair of Air Jordans he’d bought for his three-week-old child. The cultural expectation...

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Exhausted dad scrolling his phone while baby sleeps on his chest

Lil Baby Baby Mama Drama: The Mental Load Of Modern Parenting

Dear Marcus from six months ago, It's 3:14 AM. You're pinned under a sleeping infant who has somehow gained the density of a dying star. Your left arm went numb twenty minutes ago, but you're absolutely terrified to move because...

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A stressed dad looking at a laptop screen while holding a sleeping baby in a bamboo sleep bag

System Failure: A First-Time Dad's Guide to the Kyte Baby Sale

Dear Marcus from exactly six months ago, I'm writing this to you as you sit at your dual-monitor setup at 9:58 AM on a Thursday, sweating through your gray Portland Timbers t-shirt. You've got three browser windows open, your credit...

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A tired dad holding a tiny baby onesie and a pair of scissors in a dark room.

Taking Parenting Advice From A Kardashian (And Why It Actually Worked)

It was exactly 3:14 AM, the digital clock on the humidifier was burning red into my retinas, and I was sitting cross-legged on the nursery floor holding a pair of heavy-duty kitchen shears. The baby was doing that terrifying, silent...

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Kat Timpf baby born news shows how unpredictable birth and postpartum can be

Kat Timpf's Birth Story Proves We Can't Control Everything

I was sitting on the floor of our Portland apartment, watching my 11-month-old systematically try to dismantle the baseboards with his two bottom teeth, when I decided to permanently delete the color-coded Notion database I had built for his birth....

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Dad holding a very large and heavy 11-month-old baby in a sustainable organic cotton bodysuit

Raising a Jimbo Boss Baby: Firmware Updates for Heavy Infants

The blue line on the pediatrician’s monitor shot up into the top right quadrant like a server load graph during a DDoS attack. I adjusted my glasses. My wife shifted in her chair. Our 11-month-old son sat on the examination...

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A tired dad sitting on the floor amidst scattered wooden baby toys

Why The Gossip About Jayson Tatum's Family Misses The Real Point

It's 6:13 AM, and I'm currently using a damp wipe to scrape what I desperately hope is mashed banana off my left kneecap while scrolling through basketball gossip on my phone. One of the twins has decided that 6 AM...

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