The "Be My Baby" Delusion: Surviving Your First Year Alive
I'm sitting on the edge of a creaky glider at 4:17 AM while my oldest, Wyatt, arches his back like a feral cat who just got dipped in cold water. I remember standing there in the dark, smelling vaguely of...
Surviving the Baby Spice Era: Turmeric Stains and 90s Pop
There's a very specific, aggressive shade of yellow that a pulverized carrot takes on when you enthusiastically fold half a teaspoon of turmeric into it, and I can tell you exactly what it looks like because it's currently permanently bonded...
Why Looking Up Ice Ice Baby Lyrics At 3 AM Changed My Parenting
It was 3:17 in the morning, and my oldest was screaming with the kind of red-faced, breathless stamina that makes you seriously question your life choices. I was sitting on a cheap, half-deflated yoga ball in our drafty Texas farmhouse,...
The Truth About Finding Your Kid's Beanie Baby Birthday Twin
The biggest myth about millennial parenting is that our childhood artifacts belong in our babies' mouths. You see it on social media constantly. A perfectly filtered, beige nursery. A pristine six-month-old sitting on a linen rug. And in their chubby...
Nostalgia and Reality: Hiring Your First Sitter
I'm standing in my kitchen, wearing a nursing bra stained with something yellow, staring at a sixteen-year-old named Chloe who just asked me if babies can eat grapes whole. This was my first attempt at hiring a baby sitter. I...
Dear Past Tom: The Expensive, Absurd Reality of Baby Jordans
Dear Tom of six months ago, You're currently sweating through your grey t-shirt, pinning Florence between your knees while attempting to force her inexplicably square, fleshy foot into a miniature, stiff leather basketball shoe. She's screaming as if you've suggested...
The truth about surviving the baby groot merchandise invasion
I was elbow-deep under the sofa cushions on a Tuesday morning, executing a routine sweep for rogue Cheerios and whatever sticky substance had claimed the TV remote, when my fingers brushed against something hard, plastic, and distinctly anatomical. I pulled...
Why Babydoll Dresses Are Secretly a Parent's Best Friend
Itβs ninety-five degrees in East Texas, and my mother-in-law is trying to shoehorn my oldest child into a stiff, tulle monstrosity that looks like a wedding cake exploded. My kid is screaming like a feral cat in a church pew....
Dear Exhausted Jess: The Baby Beluga Magic You Need Right Now
Dear Jess from six months ago. You're sobbing into a sour-smelling burp cloth right now. It's 3:14 AM. The baby is doing that rigid-plank scream that makes your own spine ache, the toddler is asleep in the hallway for some...