The Great Baby Carrot Freakout And How We Actually Survived It
I was standing in my kitchen at exactly 2:14 PM on a Tuesday. I know the exact time because that's the precise moment my soul usually leaves my body every afternoon. I was wearing my husband Dave's gray college sweatpants...
Debugging Baby Clothes For Boys: A First-Time Dad's Guide
Last Tuesday at 2:14 AM, I was staring at a pile of microscopic blue garments on the changing table, trying to calculate the exact structural integrity of a soaked cotton blend. My 11-month-old son was aggressively doing the bicycle-leg motion...
Carrying His Babies Stealing His Heart: Expecting Twins Reality
I was sitting in the dark at 3 a.m., trying to keep my eyes open while my son aggressively refused to sleep. The breast pump was making a mechanical wheezing sound that I swear had a syncopated rhythm to it....
The Science of Baby Animals (And Why I Can't Bring A Hamster Home)
I was standing in Petco at 4:15 PM on a Tuesday, staring blankly into a terrarium of baby bearded dragons, genuinely calculating if acquiring a tiny reptile would solve my 11-month-old’s mid-afternoon fussiness. In my sleep-deprived logic, she liked the...
Why I Replaced Sunday Pancakes With a Giant Puffy Dutch Baby
Let's start with a snapshot of my kitchen at 6:15 AM last Saturday. I'm standing over a hot stove with a spatula, trying to flip a silver-dollar pancake made of mashed bananas and oats. Meanwhile, my 11-month-old is wrapped tightly...
Dear Past Me: Surviving Your Husband's Grumpy Anime Dad Phase
Hey Jess from six months ago. I know exactly where you're right now. You're hiding in the laundry room, sitting on top of the humming dryer for warmth, stress-eating a bag of stale Goldfish crackers you found in a toddler's...
Surviving Midnight Fevers: The Thermometers That Actually Work
I was standing in the master bathroom completely naked at two in the morning, trying to read a plastic pacifier thermometer by the light of my iPhone flash while my firstborn screamed like I was actively torturing him. That was...
Why Talking to Your Infant Like a Roommate Actually Works
The biggest, most pervasive lie we're sold about motherhood is that you need a degree in early childhood development and a voice that shatters glass to properly entertain an infant. I used to actually make my throat sore trying to...
What I Wish I Knew About Raising Your Very Own Human Baby Sloth
Dear Tom of exactly six months ago, You're currently hiding in the downstairs loo while the kettle boils, pressing your forehead against the cold tiles. It's 3:14 am. Twin A has refused to be put down since Tuesday, and Twin...