Finding the Ideal Humidity for Baby: A Letter to My Past Self
It's exactly fourteen minutes past three in the morning, and you're currently standing in the center of the girlsβ bedroom in just your boxer shorts, clutching a damp muslin cloth like a surrender flag. You're staring at a cheap digital...
A Dadβs Guide on How to Sex Baby Bunnies Before Itβs Too Late
I'm currently sitting cross-legged on my living room rug, sweating profusely, staring intensely at the underside of a highly uncooperative ball of fluff, desperately trying to decode its hardware ports. When my wife, Sarah, suggested we encourage two domestic kits...
Smelling like a powdery Brazilian memory won't save your sanity
I was sitting on the edge of the tub, staring at a bottle of Giovanna Baby classic lotion my auntie brought over after the birth. It's pink. It smells like a 1970s powder room mixed with a lingering cherry blossom....
The exact october 30th beanie baby that broke my brain
I'm sitting on the cold linoleum floor of my laundry room in a nursing bra that hasn't seen the inside of a washing machine in at least three days, aggressively refreshing an eBay tab on my cracked iPhone with one...
Debugging the October 18 Beanie Baby Birthday Twin Trend
I was standing in the cramped, patchouli-scented aisle of a vintage shop on Hawthorne Boulevard, triumphantly holding a dusty plush skeleton from the year 2000. I thought I had just executed a brilliant parenting hack. My niece was about to...
Chasing the October 15 Beanie Baby: A New Dad's Reality Check
My mother-in-law's package arrived at our Portland apartment on a rainy Tuesday, smelling faintly of attic dust and the Clinton administration. Inside was a neon-orange plush pumpkin with hard plastic eyes staring blankly into the void. Sarah, my wife, immediately...
How a Tiny Mola Fish Baby Fixed My Sustainable Parenting Guilt
It was 6:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was wearing Daveβs old college sweatpants backwards because the dog had thrown up on mine. I was standing in the middle of the kitchen, clutching yesterdayβs lukewarm coffee in a chipped...
The absolute terror of serving meat baby food to a six-month-old
There I was, standing in our kitchen at half past seven in the morning, staring at a cardboard tube of organic baby rice that looked and smelled exactly like the Polyfilla I used to patch the hallway skirting board last...
The May 21st Beanie Baby Illusion: Vintage Plushies vs Reality
I was three pints deep into a Tuesday evening and aggressively outbidding a woman named 'Susan_Collects_94' on eBay for a slightly moth-eaten unicorn. My wife walked into the kitchen, took one look at the glowing iPad screen, and asked if...