Magazine
Decoding cry baby lyrics while holding an actual screaming infant
My mother-in-law told me to just put him in the crib and shut the door because crying builds lung capacity, which is anatomically hilarious and factually incorrect. My lactation consultant said I should offer the breast the second his lower...
Navigating the Newborn Crying Phase Without Losing Your Damn Mind
My mother-in-law cornered me in my own kitchen while I was trying to microwave a mug of coffee that had already been reheated three times. I was wearing yogurt-stained maternity leggings that were legally too old to still be called...
Consumer reports baby formula data broke my brain as a dad
Last Tuesday, at exactly 2:14 AM, I found myself standing in the kitchen illuminated only by the harsh green glow of the microwave clock, staring at a plastic scoop of white powder like it was radioactive material. Before my son...
My 3 AM Panic Over a Constipated Baby (And What Actually Works)
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was sitting on the edge of my bathtub wearing my husband Greg’s oversized Syracuse Lacrosse t-shirt, which had a suspicious spit-up stain on the shoulder that I had just decided to...
The NICU, My Sanity, And The Wild History Of The Coney Island Baby
3:17 AM. St. Jude's NICU. November. I was wearing my husband Dave's oversized grey hoodie that smelled distinctly like stale Dunkin Donuts and absolute panic, just sitting there staring at the translucent skin of my son Leo's tiny chest rising...
The Circus Baby FNAF Incident: Why My 7-Year-Old Stopped Sleeping
It was exactly 3:14 AM on a Tuesday. I know this because the glowing red numbers of my alarm clock were practically burning a hole in my retinas. I was wearing my husband Dave’s old Villanova hoodie—the one with a...
What Chris Brown Baby Mamas Taught Me About Blended Families
I was sitting on our living room rug last Thursday, surrounded by a mountain of wipes, assorted plastics, and tiny socks, staring at a whiteboard. I had literally drawn a flowchart to map out how my 11-month-old son, Leo, would...
My Kid is Obsessed with Chiquita Baby Monster and I Am Tired
It was 7:14 AM on a Tuesday, which in my house is basically the witching hour but with more aggressive demands for waffles. I was standing in the kitchen wearing a robe that distinctly smelled like old milk and failure,...
My Pediatric Triage Guide To Cheer Up Baby Without Going Crazy
My mother swore rubbing warm ghee on his feet would stop the screaming. The lactation consultant told me he was definitely cluster feeding and I just needed to nurse him for the fourteenth time that hour. Then my neighbor caught...