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Debugging Baby Shower Venues: A Portland Dad's Honest Breakdown
My mother-in-law cornered me by the fridge to say the party absolutely had to happen in a formal tea room with finger sandwiches and little forks. Two hours later, my lead developer sent a Slack message insisting we just host...
Finding a baby sitter near me without losing my mind
I'm standing in my own hallway, wearing hard pants for the first time in eight months, watching a nineteen-year-old named Chloe hold my son. She is holding him like a football. A fragile, screaming football. My husband is whispering that...
Processing the Baby Storme News While Riding Out a Real Storm
It was 2:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was wedged between a vacuum cleaner and a giant cardboard box of winter coats in our windowless hallway closet, trying to keep a four-year-old, a two-year-old, and a four-month-old quiet while...
The Baby Boomers Age Range: Why Grandparents Think We're Neurotic
"Put a spot of whiskey on their gums," my father-in-law suggested casually, sipping his tea while watching Twin A attempt to violently gnaw her way through our oak coffee table. Later that same Tuesday, my mother informed me via text...
The Desperate Midnight Baby Boo Dance That Saved My Sanity
The linoleum of my kitchen floor is particularly hostile at 3:42 AM, a fact I was contemplating while aggressively swaying left-to-right with a screaming twin strapped to my chest. My shirt was damp with something I desperately hoped was only...
Raising a baby boi: When people expect a tiny, burly lumberjack
I'm currently holding my mate Dave’s six-month-old son at arm's length, waiting for the inevitable geyser of urine to subside. When you've twin girls, as I do, you get used to a certain radius of danger during nappy changes. With...
How We Survived Baby Blues Luncheonette With An 11-Month-Old
We're standing on an uneven patch of Brooklyn concrete at 10:34 AM, and I'm sweating through my flannel shirt while trying to pretend I belong here. Inside the massive glass window, a guy in a vintage beanie is slowly, methodically...
Why I Regret (And Still Love) Buying Baby Blue Jordans For My Kid
It was Tuesday, 2:14 PM, and the sun was absolutely baking the squishy rubber flooring at Centennial Park. I was wearing leggings that hadn't seen the inside of a washing machine since Sunday and an oversized Nirvana tee with a...
That Time I Found a Baby Black Widow in My Garage Nursery Stash
I was elbow-deep in a cracked Sterilite tub, breathing in that stale, hundred-degree Texas garage air, when a little pale thing dropped out of my oldest son’s 2T winter sweater. It didn’t look like much of anything at first. It...