Debugging the Glitchy Physics of Baby Formalwear and Outfits
My mom told me babies need a slip under their dress so the tulle doesn't scratch. My mother-in-law said anything with a skirt is basically a sleep hazard waiting to execute a critical failure. And the barista at my favorite...
Why I Swear By A Black Long Sleeve Onesie For Newborns
My mother told me babies should only ever be dressed in white pointelle cotton or pale lemon yellow. My mother-in-law, bless her heart, took one look at my registry and announced that dressing an infant in dark colors would permanently...
Naturkautschuk Beißring: A Dad’s Guide to Teething Hardware (66 chars)
It was exactly 3:14 AM when I realized my eleven-month-old had somehow bypassed the living room baby gate and was quietly trying to soothe his terribly swollen gums on the braided power cord of my MacBook Pro. There was a...
Beißring Holz: Why I Tossed the Plastic for Wooden Teethers
I'm literally sitting on the floor of my laundry room right now, picking golden retriever hair off a neon green, gel-filled plastic teething ring that my three-year-old just excavated from the dark abyss under the living room couch. It’s sticky....
Dear Past Marcus: You Will Wear Silicone Teething Jewelry
It’s 2:14 PM on a Tuesday, and you’re standing in the kitchen watching Maya try to tape her favorite delicate gold chain back together while our five-month-old daughter looks on with zero remorse. You’re currently thinking, Wow, babies have an...
A Letter to Myself About Those Aesthetic Silicone Teething Toys
Dear Sarah from exactly six months ago, You're currently sitting cross-legged on the gross, unfinished plywood floor of the attic. You're wearing that oversized grey college sweatshirt with the mysterious mustard stain on the left cuff, sweating profusely because it's...
Surviving the Floppy Head Phase With a Wrap-Style Baby Outfit
I'm sweating entirely through my gray t-shirt in Room 402 of Legacy Emanuel hospital. My daughter is exactly 36 hours old, and I'm holding a piece of yellow cotton with a neck hole that looks roughly the size of a...
The 3 AM Poop Blowout That Saved Me From Over-The-Head Onesies
There was poop in Leo’s ear. I don’t mean a little smudge, I mean a scientifically impossible amount of bright yellow liquid nightmare that had somehow defied gravity and traveled all the way up his back, past his neck, and...
The 3 AM Blowout That Made Me Respect the Newborn White Onesie
It was 3:14 AM. November. I know this because my phone flashlight was blinding me and the digital clock on the microwave was blinking in the background while I stood in the kitchen wearing a fleece Target robe from like,...