The Hey Baby Reality Check For Every Exhausted New Parent
It was 3:14 in the morning and I was standing over a crib trying to negotiate with a swaddled infant who looked like a very angry burrito. The white noise machine was turned up to a volume that probably violated...
The Michelin Star Delusion: Surviving the Home Baby Bistro Era
I'm currently staring at a bright orange smear on my kitchen ceiling that has been there for three consecutive days. Apparently, an 11-month-old baby can generate enough torque in his right arm to launch a silicone spoonful of artisanal sweet...
The Real Meaning Behind Sugar Babies For Tired Moms
Five pounds of Gold Medal all-purpose flour hit my linoleum floor with a sound like a muted gunshot. A white cloud plumed up, coating my scrubs, my sneakers, and the crying actual human infant strapped to my chest. I was...
Debugging Stage 1 Baby Food: A Dad's First Bites Protocol
It's 6:14 PM on a Tuesday, and I'm currently staring at a splatter of bright orange sweet potato puree on my kitchen ceiling. I'm trying to reverse-engineer the physics of how a human being weighing exactly 16.4 pounds managed to...
What the Sparkle Meghan Baby Drama Taught Me About Newborns
I'm sitting on the edge of the bathtub at 3:14 AM, pressing a warm bottle of breastmilk against my cheek to test the temperature, while my wife scrolls TikTok on the closed toilet lid. She holds up her phone, completely...
When The Baby-Sitters Club Makes You Question Your Parenting
I was wedged between the living room radiator and a pile of inexplicably sticky building blocks at 5:43 AM on a Tuesday when it happened. Twin A was aggressively gumming a slightly stale rice cake, Twin B was trying to...
The Tous Baby Consumer Trap: What I Wish I Knew Six Months Ago
Hey Jess. You're currently sitting cross-legged on the linoleum floor of the Target baby aisle, roughly seven months pregnant with baby number three, crying over whether to buy a sixty-dollar wipe warmer that has a built-in nightlight and Bluetooth speaker....
Dear Past Tom: The Actual Trust Fund Baby Meaning (63 chars)
Dear Tom from exactly six months ago, You're currently sitting in a solicitor’s waiting room in zone 3, trying to peel a smashed Rice Krispie square off a faux-leather chair before Mr. Henderson comes out to discuss your estate. Twin...
Vanessa Hudgens Baby Reality Check: Why Balance Is A Total Myth
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was staring at a scatter plot I had painstakingly built in Python to map our 11-month-old’s sleep regressions against the ambient humidity of his nursery. (For the record, 48% humidity and...