Debugging the Pinterest Algorithm: Our Boy Baby Shower Theme Saga
It was 10:42 PM on a Tuesday when the algorithm finally broke me. My wife, Sarah, was asleep on my shoulder, but her phone was still unlocked in her hand, illuminating the dark bedroom with an endless, scrolling matrix of...
What the Blueface Baby Tabloid Drama Actually Taught Me About Safety
My mom called me last week in an absolute panic saying I needed to delete my apps because parents were chucking their infants at walls, my neighbor Sarah cornered me at the mailbox to tell me belly button hernias mean...
Bigbang Fantastic Baby: A Dad's Guide to Infant Auditory Safety
It's 2:14 PM on a Tuesday. I'm standing in the exact center of our living room in Portland, holding an 11-month-old who's currently wearing only a diaper and one mismatched sock, while the opening synth chords of a legendary 2012...
The 2 AM Malware Alert That Changed How I Look at Baby Toys
It's exactly 2:14 AM. My 11-month-old daughter is running a mild teething temperature of 99.4 degrees, and I'm currently locked out of my own home Wi-Fi because our firewall triggered a hard quarantine. I’m sitting on the living room floor...
Stop Taking My Chips I'm Just A Baby: A Dad's Survival Guide
Dear Tom from exactly six months ago, You're currently sitting on the hallway floor at 4 PM, wedged between a pile of unopened mail and a rogue wellington boot, trying to negotiate with a toddler who has just hurled a...
Raising a King Baby: Truby King, 3 AM Googling, and Tiny Tyrants
The whole mental collapse started at exactly 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, which is historically the time my brain decides to compile all its worst processing errors into one massive system failure. I had grand plans for this particular weekend—I...
Why raising a gentle lady baby is an absolute, hilarious myth
I'm standing in the kitchen at 3:14 AM, wearing a dressing gown that hasn't seen a washing machine since Tuesday, trying to negotiate with a tiny human who has somehow managed to get pureed carrot inside her own ear canal....
Lil Baby Arrested: Pop Culture Headlines and Real Parenting Fears
"Let him sit in a holding cell overnight to learn a harsh lesson about consequences," my older brother texted me after I frantically asked our family group chat for theoretical legal advice. "Lawyer up instantly, don't let the cops even...
Lil Baby Freestyle Lyrics: Why My Playlist Had To Change
It was raining sideways on Michigan Avenue and my Uber driver was blasting what sounded like an underground club mix at two in the afternoon. I was wedged in the back seat with my four-month-old, frantically trying to cup my...