What I Got Totally Wrong About Buying Educational Toys Toys
It was 2:14 in the morning, and the glowing plastic octopus under my bare heel was loudly singing the Spanish alphabet. I was holding a screaming newborn, trying not to wake my husband, while this neon monstrosity cheerfully flashed strobe...
The reality of baby sizes and why age labels are lying to you
I was sweating through my postpartum shirt, trying to fold my three-week-old son's arm into a rigid denim jacket labeled zero-to-three months for a mandatory family photo. His arm was stuck at a strange right angle while he screamed, and...
Debugging Dinner: The Honest Truth About Washable Adult Bibs
At exactly 6:14 PM on Thanksgiving, the system architecture of our family dinner completely collapsed. My eleven-month-old, currently running a highly unstable version of his motor-skills firmware, had just discovered the gravitational physics of mashed sweet potatoes, launching a spoonful...
What Nobody Tells You About Buying Clothes for Your Newborn
I was exactly thirty-eight weeks pregnant with my first kid, sitting on the floor of his perfectly painted sage green nursery, just absolutely sobbing over a tiny tweed vest. I had spent the last six months accumulating what can only...
The Great Baby Markt Meltdown (And What You Actually Need)
I was exactly thirty-four weeks pregnant with my oldest son, sitting on the cold bathroom tile at two in the morning, openly weeping over a seventy-dollar wipe warmer. My phone was glowing in the dark with fourteen different tabs open,...
The Truth About Dressing Your Daughter (Without Losing Your Mind)
I was thirty-four weeks pregnant, sitting on the floor of our Chicago apartment, staring at a miniature denim jacket. It was roughly the size of a large grapefruit and as stiff as a piece of cardboard. Someone had given it...
The Truth About Why Your Baby Ignores Their Expensive Playthings
It was December 2017, and my oldest, Leo, was exactly six months old. I remember this vividly because I was wearing black maternity leggings that smelled vaguely of spit-up and a nursing bra I hadn't washed in—you know what, let's...
Debugging Newborn Babytøj: A First-Time Dad's Guide to V1.0 Hardware
It’s 3:14 AM on our second night home from the hospital, and I’m staring at a tiny, floppy human trying to figure out how to get a rigid cotton shirt over his head. His neck has zero structural integrity. It’s...
Dear Past Marcus: A Debugging Guide to Dressing Your Infant
Dear Marcus of exactly six months ago: I can see you right now. You're standing over the changing table at 3:17 AM in our freezing Portland apartment, sweating profusely while holding a squirming, screaming five-month-old, trying to figure out how...