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An 11-month-old baby in a soft orange organic cotton bodysuit with a felt face.

Debugging The Baby Pumpkin Costume: A First-Time Dad's Guide

The internal temperature of a synthetic plush gourd is roughly equivalent to the surface of the sun. I'm holding a screaming, bright orange sphere in the middle of a muddy Portland farm, desperately trying to find a zipper that apparently...

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Stressed dad carrying a car seat with a newborn out of the hospital

Baby Please Come Home: Surviving The First 48 Hours

Whatever you do, don't boldly tell the discharge nurse that you already configured the car seat hardware when your only actual training was skimming a YouTube Short on 1.5x speed. I learned this the hard way while sweating profusely in...

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A dad sitting on the grass at a London baby park with twin infants.

The Baby Park Survival Guide for Chronically Tired UK Parents

I'm currently crouched in the damp, questionable mulch of our local playground, forming a frantic human barricade around two tiny, drool-covered infants. To my left, a feral four-year-old is hurtling past wielding a half-eaten breadstick like a medieval javelin. To...

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Exhausted dad holding his baby while looking at a smartphone in a dark nursery

Why I Googled Baby Osama at 3 AM: TikTok Sleep Hacks Are Terrifying

It's 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, the nursery is precisely 69.4 degrees Fahrenheit, and my 11-month-old son has just executed his fourth unauthorized wake-up routine of the night. I'm sitting on the edge of the glider in the dark, scrolling...

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A stressed dad trying to apply baby oil to a very slippery infant after bath time.

Troubleshooting Cradle Cap: A New Dad's Guide to Safe Baby Oil

I was staring at a fake checkerboard background on a transparent image file at 3:14 AM while my eleven-month-old looked like a shedding reptile. I was trying to build a Notion database of non-toxic skincare for our household, right? Because...

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A bottle of baby oil sitting next to a stack of nappies on a messy bedside table.

Dear Past Tom: Why Using Baby Oil as Lube is a Terrible Idea

Dear Past Tom, It's 11:14 PM on a freezing Tuesday in November. By some absolute miracle of the parenting gods, the twins are both asleep at the exact same time. Maya, who usually treats sleep as a mild suggestion, has...

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A frustrated dad staring at a massive list of potential baby names on his phone

The brutally honest guide to choosing baby names boy edition

There's a pervasive, highly destructive lie floating around the maternity wards and NCT classes of Britain, and it goes something like this: don't worry if you haven't picked a name yet, because the second they hand him to you, you'll...

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A wooden cot mobile with high-contrast shapes hanging out of reach of a baby

The brutal truth about choosing a baby mobile for crib survival

I was lying flat on my back on the reasonably clean portion of the nursery rug, my cheek pressed against a discarded Calpol syringe, watching a plastic hippo spin furiously at forty revolutions per minute while a tinny, slightly off-key...

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A confused dad looking at his phone while an 11-month-old chews on a wooden toy

Decoding the True Meaning of Baby (And Other Strange Slang)

I just had to explain the concept of nepotism over FaceTime while my 11-month-old attempted to eat a rogue USB-C cable. My mother-in-law had seen some hashtag on Twitter and wanted to know what the kids were talking about, which...

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