3AM Screaming, K-Pop Fixes, And Why Babies Cry
"Leave them, it exercises their lungs," my mother-in-law declared over Sunday roast, waving a forkful of parsnip in the general direction of the nursery. "If you don't respond within thirty seconds, they'll develop crippling attachment trauma," our NHS health visitor...
Why I Will Never Buy the Baby Dior Perfume for My Twin Girls
Last Tuesday at precisely 4:15 PM, I found myself standing in a terrifyingly white Georgian townhouse in South Kensington, wiping a smear of mashed banana off my left shoulder while watching a woman named Cressida casually spritz her eight-month-old son...
How to Stop Your Toddler from Accidentally Breaking a Baby Dachshund
I was halfway through a tepid cup of Earl Grey when I saw it happening in slow motion. Twin A, my slightly more chaotic two-year-old, was attempting to swing her leg over a visiting twelve-week-old sausage dog like she was...
Surviving 29 Weeks: From Butternut Squashes to Tiny Terrorists
I'm currently watching a piece of steamed sweet potato make its third, highly ambitious trajectory across my kitchen, propelled by the shockingly strong left arm of a child who, until very recently, was basically a sentient bag of flour. If...
The Humiliating Reality of Trying Baby Yoga With Twins
I'm currently lying on a foam mat that smells faintly of damp digestive biscuits and municipal floor cleaner in a drafty church hall in Hackney. The instructor, a woman named Serenity who's wearing linen trousers that look entirely too comfortable...
Surviving the Baby Sling Carrier When You Have Zero Coordination
I was standing in the kitchen at two in the afternoon, wearing yesterday's t-shirt and draped in five meters of stretchy jersey fabric, looking less like a modern father and more like a deeply depressed Roman senator. Twin A was...
Don't You Worry Baby Tyler: My Huge 2AM Nursery Mistake
It was 2:14 AM. I know the exact time because the glowing red numbers of the digital clock were burning a hole in my retinas. Maya was about four months old and going through that horrific sleep regression where they...
A Letter to Past Me: Stop Panicking About Normal Baby Weight
Dear Tom from two years ago, currently sweating through a grey marl t-shirt in Room 4 of the local NHS clinic. You're sitting in a plastic chair that's somehow both sticky and cold, balancing two identical infant car seats on...
Lil Baby Drip Too Hard: A Mom's Guide to Drool and Outfits
I was elbow-deep in a blowout that had somehow breached the diaper barrier and traveled all the way up my youngest son's back when my fifteen-year-old nephew strolled into the living room. He stopped dead in his tracks, stared at...