The hilariously chaotic quest to find a safe lil baby album
I was sitting in the dark at half past midnight on a Tuesday, entirely covered in what I deeply hoped was just pureed parsnip from dinner, trying to complete a simple parental task. The twins, Florence and Matilda, had finally...
Surviving the "Kill Me Baby" Phase Without Losing Your Mind
It's 3:14 in the morning and I'm standing barefoot in the kitchen, perfectly balanced on a rogue piece of Duplo that's currently attempting to pierce my heel bone. Twin A is upstairs executing a flawless impression of a faulty car...
Surviving the Baby Walker With Wheels (A Twin Dad's Story)
I was precisely halfway through pouring a vaguely warm coffee down my throat when Florence broke the indoor land speed record. We have a narrow Victorian hallway in our London terrace, which is entirely unsuitable for anything wider than a...
Navigating the Baby Vaccine Schedule Without Losing Your Mind
There's a very specific type of sweat that forms on your lower back when you're trying to maneuver a double buggy through the aggressively narrow doors of an NHS GP surgery. You're already ten minutes late, one of the babies...
A letter to my past self about the quest for superior baby wipes
Dear Tom of six months ago, You're currently standing in the semi-darkness of the nursery at 4:12 AM, attempting to perform a minor miracle while Twin A tries to kick you in the face and Twin B wails in aggressive...
The Ultimate Blue Baby Shower Dress Survival Guide for Dads
I was standing in our shoebox-sized London bedroom, knee-deep in crinkled ASOS packaging, watching my heavily pregnant wife attempt to extract herself from what can only be described as a sapphire-coloured sausage casing. She was breathing heavily, one arm pinned...
Why a Coughing Baby is Actually Louder Than a Hydrogen Bomb
The glowing green light on the baby monitor flickered at precisely 3:14 am, followed immediately by a sound that I can only describe as a tiny, furious seal trapped in a tin can. Then came the dreaded pause. The silence...
The Ergo Baby Carrier: Surviving A Sweaty Central Line Meltdown
It was a Tuesday in late November, approximately 4:13 PM, and the Central Line carriage smelled faintly of damp wool, ozone, and my own big despair. I had one screaming twin strapped to my chest in a five-yard fabric wrap...
The End of Humiliating Baby Shower Games (And What to Do Instead)
Five years ago, I stood in a drafty village hall in Surrey, holding a plastic cup of warm sparkling wine, watching my sister-in-law unwrap a massive ball of clingfilm while wearing a blindfold. Someone shoved a disposable nappy under my...