Magazine

Tired tech dad holding a tiny infant gold bracelet next to a silicone teether

Dear Past Marcus: Let's Talk About Baby Gold and Choking Hazards

Dear Marcus of six months ago, I know exactly where you're right now. You're sitting on the edge of the living room rug, staring at a tiny velvet box that Aunt Linda just handed you. Inside is a 14-karat baby...

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A tired dad sitting on a nursery floor looking at his phone in the dark

Debugging Infant Sleep With The Taking Cara Babies Framework

The glow of my phone screen at 3:14 AM was the only light in the room, illuminating my desperate, one-thumbed Google search: taking cara babi sleep help please. Outside, the endless Portland drizzle was doing its best to act as...

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A confused dad tangled in a long piece of soft fabric trying to figure out a baby carrier.

Solly Baby Wrap Setup: A Dad's Guide to Not Dropping the Kid

It was raining, because it's always raining in Portland, and I was standing next to my Subaru holding a screaming eight-pound potato while seventeen feet of buttery soft fabric aggressively soaked up a puddle of dirty rainwater. My wife watched...

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Exhausted dad staring at his smartphone while holding a sleeping baby

Troubleshooting Da Baby: A Clueless Dad's System Log

I was standing over the bassinet at 3:14 AM holding a digital meat thermometer near my son's forehead, completely convinced his baseline operating temperature was running too hot. He was wearing a heavy fleece onesie in late August because I...

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Toddler wearing a yellow backward cap and pink sweater holding a baby bottle.

How We Built a Baby Saja Costume (Without the Meltdown)

I was holding a detached, highly synthetic faux-collar in my left hand while my eleven-month-old son actively tried to eat a teal polyester wig. This was iteration one of the baby Saja outfit, ordered at 2 AM from a drop-shipping...

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Marcus troubleshooting the slippery infant bath setup in his Portland home - KIANAO

Debugging the Infant Wash Cycle: A Letter to My Clueless Past Self

You're currently holding a screaming, soapy five-month-old over a stainless steel kitchen sink while the water temperature wildly fluctuates between Arctic runoff and molten lava, and you're terrified. I know this because I'm you, writing from six months in the...

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A tired dad holding a coffee mug while looking at a baby monitor screen

The Unfiltered Reality of the Kat Timpf Baby News

It was 3:14 AM. The baby monitor on my nightstand was glowing a menacing green, reading exactly 68.2 degrees, and I was doomscrolling Twitter in that hazy, caffeinated purgatory between sleep cycles. I think the biggest myth about celebrity baby...

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A stack of pastel baby shower envelopes scattered across a messy kitchen table

Baby Shower Invitations: The Brutal Truth About Modern Stationery

I'm currently using a dull butter knife to scrape dried, crusty hummus off a piece of 600gsm letterpress cardstock. It's an RSVP card that my two-year-old twin daughters, Florence and Matilda, managed to intercept before I could tally the final...

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A tired father holding a crying baby in a dimly lit nursery.

The 3 AM Breaking Point and the Truth About Shaken Baby Syndrome

There's a very specific frequency of noise that two eight-week-old humans can achieve simultaneously, and I'm fairly certain it violates several international treaties. It was a Tuesday, somewhere around 3:14 in the morning, and I was pacing the hallway of...

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