Surviving the "Don't You Want Me Baby" Guilt Trip From Relatives
We were sitting in our Portland living room on exactly Day 12 of parenthood when the first breach of our perimeter occurred. My wife Sarah was exhausted, practically vibrating with postpartum adrenaline, and our daughter was finally asleep on her...
How to Find Free Baby Samples Without Losing Your Damn Mind
I was sitting on my living room couch at 2:14 AM wearing a pair of Dave's gym shorts that I had stretched to their absolute physical limit over my seven-month pregnant belly, staring at my phone as my inbox counter...
What to write in a baby shower card without losing your mind
I'm sitting in the passenger seat of our sedan, balancing a small square envelope on the dashboard while my husband dodges Chicago potholes. We're twenty minutes late to my cousin's baby shower. The pen I dug out of the glovebox...
The Real Truth About People Actually Finding Your Baby Registry
I was sitting in a literal pile of bright pink cardboard boxes on my living room floor, four days after my first baby shower, ugly-crying into a burp cloth because not a single person bought the organic crib sheets I...
Debugging a Midnight Panic: The Harlequin Baby Mix-Up Explained
Don't, under any circumstances, type the phrase "harlequin baby" into your phone at 3:14 AM while your infant is sleeping on their side. Just trust me on this one. I was sitting in the nursery rocking chair, running on maybe...
The Big Baby Detergent Scam (And How I Actually Do Laundry)
I was standing in my laundry room at 3 AM in a pair of sour-milk-stained sweatpants, holding a twenty-four-dollar jug of baby detergent and straight-up sobbing. My oldest, Beau, was upstairs covered in angry red hives, and my mom was...
Dear Jess: The Unfiltered Truth About Buying Baby Detergent
Dear Jess from six months ago, I see you standing there in aisle 14 of the H-E-B in Corsicana, completely frozen. You've got your two-year-old hanging off the front of the shopping cart trying to eat a bruised banana, your...
My worst newborn day and how a baby carrier wrap saved my sanity
It was 4:13 PM on a Tuesday in late November, and I was wearing maternity leggings with an unidentified, crusty white stain on the left thigh. Leo was four weeks old and currently doing that purple-faced, breathless scream that makes...
What's That Supposed to Be About Baby? Decoding Newborn Quirks
I was holding my iPhone flashlight over my daughter's bassinet at 3:14 AM, trying to see if her tongue was vibrating. She was making this rapid-fire clicking sound that sounded exactly like a dying hard drive. I had my other...