Dear past me: Surviving the great scrap baby incident of October
Dear Sarah from six months ago, Itβs Tuesday, right? Youβre sitting on the hot driveway asphalt wearing that oversized gray NYU hoodie with the mysterious yellow stain on the left cuff that might be mustard but is honestly probably breastmilk...
That Santa Baby Kim Kardashian Video vs Our Real Holiday Chaos
I was standing dead in the center of my mother-in-law's aggressively pine-scented living room in December 2017, wearing a pair of black maternity leggings that still had a crusty white streak of spit-up down the left thigh, clutching a mug...
Note to self on surviving the toddler sprint phase without crying
Dear Priya from six months ago. You're currently standing in the produce aisle at the Mariano's on Western Avenue. Your fourteen-month-old just dropped your hand. He is making a break for the automatic doors. You thought this was a phase...
What I Wish I Knew About Using Pedialyte for Baby Stomach Bugs
It was 2:14 in the morning and I was standing in the middle of the nursery covered in what used to be breastmilk and cherry-flavored fluid, wondering if I needed to call an ambulance or just burn the rug. My...
The Accidental Chaos of Searching for Joker Baby Stuff
At 2:14 AM on a Tuesday, I tried to optimize our Halloween strategy by typing a highly unspecific query into my phone with my left thumb, while my right arm acted as a human structural support for an 11-month-old who...
The "Baby Girl Let Me See You Twirl Lyrics" Viral Audio Trap
My thumb was hovering over the bright blue "Post" button when Sarahβs hand shot across the kitchen island and physically tackled my phone into the fruit bowl. "What are you doing?" my wife asked, looking at me like I had...
The 2 AM Google Panic: What a "Baby Drill" Actually Means Today
It was exactly 2:14 AM when the daycare app pushed a notification to my phone. I was already awake because D (that's how my son is logged in my sleep-tracker spreadsheet, just "Baby D" to save keystrokes at three in...
Surviving The Slippery Newborn Phase With A Mesh Seat
My knees were cracking against the cold hexagonal tile of our vintage Chicago apartment bathroom while I gripped a screaming, six-pound human who felt exactly like a wet football covered in olive oil. The tap was running. Steam was fogging...
Surviving a Taylor Swift Stadium Concert With a Baby in Tow
Dear Jess from six months ago, You're currently sitting on the cold linoleum floor of the laundry room at 2 AM, hiding from your snoring husband, staring at three wildly expensive stadium tickets on your phone. You're hyperventilating because your...