Dressing Your Infant in a Devil's Rejects Baby Firefly Costume
The single biggest myth in modern parenting is the delusion that your infant is a blank, cooperative canvas for your own deeply specific pop-culture obsessions. I discovered this entirely too late while trying to explain to a very judgmental woman...
Before and After: Smoking Baby Back Ribs With An 11-Month-Old
It's 6:14 AM on a damp Portland Saturday, exactly 43.7 degrees outside, and I'm standing on my patio holding a squirming eleven-month-old in my left arm and a slippery rack of raw pork in my right. I'm staring at the...
Dear Past Jess: That Baby Pink Bell Sleeve Turtle Neck Dress Is Bad
Dear Jess from October. It's me, Jess from April. You're currently standing in the Target parking lot with three kids sweating in the backseat, staring at your phone, about to hit 'buy' on that trendy boutique website. I need you...
Surviving the British Guard Beannie Baby Phase
Sweat was actively pooling in the crevice of Florenceβs third chin. It was Boxing Day, the central heating was aggressively set to what I can only describe as 'Florida retirement home,' and my mother-in-law had just wedged both twins into...
Before You Buy That Baby Girl Thanksgiving Outfit, Read This
It's 2019, and I'm wedged between the toilet and the bathtub in my mother-in-law's guest bathroom, sweating through my own maternity sweater. I'm desperately trying to peel a rigid, glittery tulle turkey dress off my screaming four-month-old. The giblet gravy...
How to Pick a Baby Boy Baptism Outfit for a Catholic Church
Father Michael is speaking at length about the concept of original sin, but I'm entirely focused on preventing my two-year-old daughter, Florence, from eating a laminated hymn book. In the pew ahead of me, my sister is holding my six-month-old...
The impossible physics of keeping baby socks on kicking feet
At 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, I found myself on my hands and knees in the nursery, using my iPhone flashlight to hunt for a microscopic piece of gray fabric. My eleven-month-old son was asleep in his crib, oblivious to...
The Truth About Baby Overalls: Cute Or A Total Nightmare?
Before my oldest was born, I laid out this tiny, stiff pair of denim dungarees at my baby shower, just staring at how ridiculously tiny the pockets were. My mom took one look and said they were adorable and that...
The Truth About the Country Baby Tee Trend for Actual Babies
Halfway through trying to pull a stiff, mustard-yellow flannel over my six-month-old's head, I heard a seam pop. He was turning a concerning shade of magenta. His arms were pinned awkwardly against his ears, trapping him in a sort of...