Magazine

Confused dad looking at a spreadsheet of baby names while holding a teething infant in Portland.

How The AGT Winner Jessica Sanchez Baby Name Wrecked My Math

Don't, under any circumstances, try to write a Python script that scrapes the Social Security Administration database to find a moniker with a mathematically perfect syllable-to-vowel ratio. This is a terrible way to name a human. I know this because...

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Dad trying to apply thick white mineral sunscreen to an actively squirming baby.

Debugging Baby Sun Safety: The Great Sunscreen Firmware Update

There's currently a streak of stark white zinc oxide smeared across the black upholstery of my Subaru, a matching smudge on my favorite dark t-shirt, and a suspicious clump stuck in my eleven-month-old’s left eyebrow. Somehow, despite dispensing what felt...

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A tired mom holding a baby dressed in a soft organic cotton ribbed bodysuit.

The Reality of Dressing a Baby Without Losing Your Mind

Within forty-eight hours of bringing Leo home from the hospital, I received three completely contradictory pieces of advice about how to dress him. My mother-in-law hovered over his bassinet, clutching her coffee mug, aggressively whispering that he needed a fleece...

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A folded stack of neutral organic cotton infant shirts next to a wooden pacifier clip.

The brutal truth about infant wardrobes and diaper blowouts

My mother-in-law walked into my recovery room and immediately tried to put a fleece hat on my two-day-old son. An hour later, the lactation consultant breezed in and told me to strip him down to his diaper so he wouldn't...

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A tiny newborn baby holding a father's finger in a hospital neonatal unit.

A Letter To My Past Self About Surviving An IUGR Baby Diagnosis

Dear Tom from exactly six months ago, You're currently sitting in the windowless, overly warm scanning room at St Thomas' Hospital, entirely oblivious to the fact that your life is about to tilt on its axis. The NHS sonographer has...

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A very confused mom holding a baby while looking at a smartphone

My Kids, The Ice Age Baby Meme, and Freezing Winter Survival

Let me tell you about the exact moment I realized I was officially old and entirely unprepared for both internet culture and actual, literal winter. It was like, negative three degrees outside on a Tuesday in January, I was wearing...

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A spilled cup of coffee on a kitchen counter next to a smartphone showing a celebrity baby news headline

My Coffee Disaster and the Wild Reality of Sixty-Year-Old Parenting

My feet were literally sticking to the linoleum. It's 6:12 AM on a Tuesday, I'm wearing Mark's faded college hoodie that smells permanently like old milk and vague regret, and Maya is aggressively trying to shove a plastic triceratops into...

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A tired mom pouring milk into a glass baby bottle on a messy kitchen counter.

Dear Past Sarah: The Ugly Truth About Glass Baby Bottles

Dear Past Sarah. Yes, you. The one sitting on the kitchen floor at 2:14 AM on a random Tuesday exactly six months ago. You’re wearing that gray fleece robe where the zipper is permanently stuck halfway down. You’re drinking Folgers...

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A stressed mom looking at a baby name book on her kitchen counter.

How to Pick a Girl Baby Name When Everyone Has an Opinion

I was thirty-two weeks pregnant with my second, sweating through my maternity leggings at a baby shower I didn't even want to have, staring at a plate of lukewarm spinach dip while three different women cornered me about names. My...

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