Magazine
The Brutal Truth About Baby Bracelets and Why I Totally Panicked
We were somewhere between the second slice of dry Victoria sponge and Florence’s inevitable afternoon meltdown when my wife's great-aunt produced the velvet box. We had survived the actual christening with only a moderate amount of screaming (mostly from me,...
Smart Baby Boy Shower Ideas That Aren't Blue Plastic Bowties
I'm currently sitting on the concrete floor of my garage in ninety-degree Texas heat, staring into a plastic storage bin from 2018. It's filled to the absolute brim with paper mustaches on sticks, neon blue plastic bowties, and tiny glittery...
Debugging the baby boy wardrobe: A first-time dad’s logs
My thumb was actively bleeding. It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, rain was aggressively battering our Portland bedroom window, and I was locked in a physical struggle with a tiny, angry, poop-covered human. The adversary was a rigid denim...
Searching for baby bowser: Screen time, hair bows, and pure panic
It was 6:14 on a Tuesday morning, a time when civilized society is safely asleep, but my living room looked like the aftermath of a minor coup. Twin A (Mia) was clutching the Nintendo Switch controller to her chest like...
The Truth About Baby Bows (And The Red Marks They Leave)
I was standing in the middle of a dusty Texas bluebonnet patch off Highway 290, sweating completely through my shirt while my four-month-old screamed like a tiny, furious baby Bowser. She was thrashing around, clawing at her own head, trying...
My Honest Journey to Finding the Best Baby Bottle Sterilizer
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was standing over a pot of rolling boiling water with a pair of metal kitchen tongs, desperately trying to fish out a pump flange before it melted to the bottom of...
A Baby Born In Portland: My Complete First-Time Dad Meltdown
The thermostat in Room 314 of the maternity ward was locked at exactly 68 degrees, but I was sweating through my gray hoodie like I was pushing a critical database update to production at 2 AM with no backup. My...
Dear Past Priya: The Ugly Truth About Buying Baby Boots
Dear Priya from last November. You're currently wedged between the radiator and the front door of our Chicago apartment, sweating completely through your shirt. You're trying to wrestle a screaming nine-month-old into a tiny fleece snowsuit while staring at a...
Decoding the Baby Booter Slang: A Dad's Guide to Internet Traps
My mother-in-law texted me at 7:00 AM asking if I'd installed the "booter seat" in the car yet. An hour later, a buddy from my old dev team Slack messaged me a laughing emoji and said I was officially a...