Magazine

Dad looking confused at a bowl of orange sweet potato baby puree

Debugging Stage 1 Baby Food: A Dad's First Bites Protocol

It's 6:14 PM on a Tuesday, and I'm currently staring at a splatter of bright orange sweet potato puree on my kitchen ceiling. I'm trying to reverse-engineer the physics of how a human being weighing exactly 16.4 pounds managed to...

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Exhausted dad looking at baby clothes after a late night internet search

The tatu baby search that completely broke my dad brain at 2 AM

2:14 AM. The nursery is exactly 68.5 degrees. The white noise machine is pushing out a continuous loop of brown noise at precisely 42 decibels. My 11-month-old daughter is asleep on my chest, breathing 32 times a minute. I know...

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Tired mom holding a crying baby who is angrily rubbing their cheek and ear during a late-night wake up.

The Real Signs of Ear Infection in Baby (And What to Ignore)

I'm just gonna be real with you—if I had a dollar for every time my mother-in-law gasped and said, "Oh, he's tugging his ear, it's an infection!" I could have paid off my student loans by now. When my oldest,...

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Dad covered in purple alginate powder holding a squirming twin

Why a baby cast and an indie film is a terrible Friday night

It's 8:14 PM on a Friday, and my left hand is currently bonded to a Tupperware container of rapidly hardening purple alginate, while Rachel Sennott has a full-blown panic attack on my television screen. My wife is desperately trying to...

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Tired Portland dad soothing his crying ruka baby monster with a plush toy

The Ruka Baby Monster Error: Troubleshooting 2 AM Meltdowns

It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, raining sideways against our Portland apartment windows, and I was actively bleeding from my left collarbone. My 11-month-old daughter had bypassed crying entirely and escalated straight to physical violence. I was holding her...

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Tired dad holding twin baby girls while trying to read a parenting book

My Fictional Gangster Baby Daddy and the Reality of Co-Parenting

When we first found out we were having twins, the unsolicited advice arrived with the speed and aggression of a flock of London pigeons spotting a dropped chip. Three different people gave me entirely contradictory instructions on how to handle...

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Baby wearing a sleeveless organic cotton bodysuit sitting safely in a shopping cart

The Real Baby's Day Out Cast Needs a Lot More Than Movie Magic

My mother-in-law told me to just toss him in the grocery cart basket with a knitted blanket and call it a day. The teenage checkout clerk at HEB confidently informed me that babies shouldn't leave the house until they're at...

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Tired dad holding a glowing smartphone and a tiny plastic medicine syringe

The Midnight Maths of Baby Fever Medicine

The iPhone torch was wedged firmly between my teeth, casting a terrifying Blair Witch underglow across the nursery while I squinted at a tiny, sticky plastic syringe. It was 3:14 AM. Twin A was screaming in a pitch that vibrated...

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A bewildered dad trying to put a tiny grain of baby toothpaste on a silicone brush

The Great Baby Toothpaste Debate: Brushing My Son's First Tooth

My son bit my index finger at exactly 6:14 AM on a Tuesday, and that was how I found out we had a breach in the hull. I was just doing my usual morning firmware check—feeling around his gums because...

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