Why the Bhad Babie Only Fans Era Keeps This Twin Dad Awake
The bluish glow of my phone was beautifully illuminating a fresh, crusty patch of spit-up on my left shoulder at 3:14 AM when the algorithm decided I desperately needed to know about a teenager's multi-million dollar adult content empire. One...
The absolute physical reality of raising a genuinely big baby
I'm standing in the middle of our dimly lit bedroom, sweating through a t-shirt, attempting to pull a cotton sleepsuit over my daughter's left thigh. The label, stitched with mocking delicacy, reads 'Up to 1 Month'. As I try to...
Brooke Shields Pretty Baby: A Dad's 3 AM Digital Privacy Spiral
The digital clock on the microwave said 3:14 AM. The rhythmic, tiny puffs of air from my 11-month-old daughter were hitting my collarbone like a metronome. She had finally stopped fighting her sleep cycle, her tiny system crashing after what...
Burt's Bees Baby Sizing Is Completely Unhinged And I Love It
It was exactly 2:14 AM. I know this because the glowing red numbers on the cheap digital clock my husband insisted we keep in the nursery were burning a hole into my retinas. Maya was four months old, screaming like...
The Cocomelon baby shark meltdown and how we survived
It was a Tuesday at 5:15 PM, which in a Chicago November means it had been pitch black outside for an hour. I was standing in my kitchen, staring at an unpeeled onion, trying to figure out how to cook...
Costco Baby Wipes: The 2 AM Rash Panic And What I Learned
The digital thermometer on the nursery wall said it was exactly 68.5 degrees, but I was sweating through my t-shirt. It was 2:14 AM, the Portland rain was actively trying to breach our window seals, and my son was screaming...
Why a Coughing Baby is Actually Louder Than a Hydrogen Bomb
The glowing green light on the baby monitor flickered at precisely 3:14 am, followed immediately by a sound that I can only describe as a tiny, furious seal trapped in a tin can. Then came the dreaded pause. The silence...
A Letter To Past Me: That Cry Baby Movie Was A Huge Mistake!
Dear Sarah from exactly six months ago, Right now you're standing in the kitchen. It's exactly 6:14 AM on a Tuesday, and you're wearing those awful gray maternity sweatpants—yes, the ones with the mysterious bleach stain on the left thigh...
Why Your Baby Won't Stop Crying (And Why It’s Not Your Fault)
It was 4:13 AM on a Tuesday. I know this because my phone was illuminated on the kitchen counter, showing a weird crying baby gif my husband Dave had just texted me from the next room in a sleep-deprived delirium....