The Connie Francis Pretty Little Baby Trend Made Me Cry
I'm sitting on the faux-wool rug of my Chicago apartment, staring at my phone through the kind of sleep deprivation that makes your teeth physically ache. Rohan is asleep on my chest, a dead weight of milk-drunk toddler. If I...
The Impossible Physics of Finding the Right Baby Shower Dress
I was standing in our narrow Portland hallway with a flexible tape measure, trying to calculate the cubic volume of my wife's third-trimester bump. She was holding three different dresses on hangers, crying softly because none of them accounted for...
The baby Saja aesthetic versus the reality of my screaming twins
It was 4:12 AM, the bluish light of my phone illuminating a half-eaten Hobnob on my bedside table, when I fully lost my grip on reality. One of the twins—I honestly couldn't tell you which one in the dark, but...
Why the Viral Baby Grinch Trend is Actually Ruining Holidays
My mother-in-law told me I needed to establish firm dominance the second my toddler started acting like a green menace this December. The moms in my neighborhood group suggested the exact opposite, telling me to lean into the chaos and...
What I Got Completely Wrong About Baby Cereal
There's a patch of gray, cement-like substance currently adhered to the underside of my kitchen island, and I honestly don't think it's ever coming off. It has survived three rounds of antibacterial spray, a vigorous scrubbing with a wire brush,...
How A Mountain Of Baby Bjorn Gear Saved My Sanity With Twins
It was half-past three in the morning on day four of twin parenthood, and I was trying to eat a piece of cold toast while balancing one screaming infant on my left forearm and another on my right knee. My...
Debugging the Infant Wash Cycle: A Letter to My Clueless Past Self
You're currently holding a screaming, soapy five-month-old over a stainless steel kitchen sink while the water temperature wildly fluctuates between Arctic runoff and molten lava, and you're terrified. I know this because I'm you, writing from six months in the...
The Chinese Gender Calendar 2025: Science, Myths & Magic
The bloke at the local Waitrose told me to look closely at the shape of my wife's ankles. My mother-in-law, bless her, aggressively dangled her cursed wedding ring over a very pregnant belly on a piece of dental floss while...
Surviving the great baby toy invasion without losing your mind
My mother-in-law arrived on a Tuesday afternoon with a battery-operated plastic farmyard that screamed distorted animal noises at 120 decibels, proudly declaring it highly educational for the twins. The very next day, my heavily bearded friend who lives in Hackney...