How to Soothe Colic Baby Tears Without Losing Your Damn Mind
I was standing in my kitchen at 8:14 PM on a Tuesday, wearing gray maternity leggings that I had worn for literally four days straight because pulling real pants up over my postpartum belly felt like a personal attack. Maya...
The completely unvarnished truth about making homemade baby food
My mother-in-law cornered me in the kitchen and said I had to boil dal water for three straight hours or my son's intestines would simply shut down. My coworker from the pediatric ward texted me to skip purees entirely, advising...
The Great Baby Bell Confusion: Cheese, Fungi, and Internet Weirdness
"Give them a baby bell," my mother-in-law announced on Tuesday over a cup of lukewarm tea, brandishing a little red wax wheel like it was a holy relic that would magically cure their fussiness. "Brilliant for calcium." On Wednesday, the...
What To Do When "Baby Girl Shake That" Invades Your Nursery
I'm currently watching two identical twenty-four-month-olds attempt what I can only describe as a synchronized club routine in the middle of our kitchen. Twin A is dropping into a deeply concerning squat, while Twin B is executing a rhythmic shoulder...
Decoding Baby First Tooth Symptoms: A Late-Night Debugging Guide
Dear Marcus circa six months ago: It's currently 2:14 AM, you're holding a glowing digital thermometer like a tricorder, and you're staring into the mouth of a very angry tiny human. You're convinced her entire operating system is crashing. You're...
Why I Stopped Treating the Baby Growth Chart Like a High Score
It was a bleak Tuesday morning in November, and I was standing barefoot on the cold bathroom tiles, holding a completely naked, furiously wriggling two-year-old on a digital scale, trying to do basic mental subtraction while she actively attempted to...
Why the Dust Baby Meme is Harmless but Your Floor is Toxic
I'm currently sitting on the floor at eye level with the baseboards, watching a shaft of afternoon Portland sunlight illuminate roughly ten million floating particles in our living room, while my 11-month-old daughter tries to eat a grey fuzzball she...
Creating A Salt-Free Dry Rub For Baby Back Ribs To Feed My Baby
It was 2:14 PM on a sweltering Sunday in late August, and I was sitting on that one patio chair that always mysteriously pinches the back of my left thigh. I was drinking my third iced coffee of the day...
The Great Healthy Baby Myth: Surviving Your First Two Years
I'm currently staring at a beige, violently stained sleepsuit that was, until approximately four minutes ago, perfectly pristine and white. It's 6:15 AM on a Tuesday, and one of the twins—let’s call her the Loud One, though honestly they alternate...