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Lil Baby Harvard: Raising a tiny genius without losing your mind
Within forty-eight hours of bringing the twins home, I received three distinct pieces of unsolicited advice regarding their future intellectual dominance. My mother-in-law arrived with a set of high-contrast Mandarin flashcards (I speak passable French; my wife speaks sarcasm). Our...
The Truth About the Digital Dinosaur Taking Over My Living Room
It's 6:15 AM on a Tuesday. I'm standing in the kitchen wearing Dave's old college sweatpants—the grey ones with a literal hole in the left knee—and holding my third cup of coffee, which is already lukewarm. Leo, my four-year-old, is...
The Cocomelon baby shark meltdown and how we survived
It was a Tuesday at 5:15 PM, which in a Chicago November means it had been pitch black outside for an hour. I was standing in my kitchen, staring at an unpeeled onion, trying to figure out how to cook...
A Letter To Past Me: That Cry Baby Movie Was A Huge Mistake!
Dear Sarah from exactly six months ago, Right now you're standing in the kitchen. It's exactly 6:14 AM on a Tuesday, and you're wearing those awful gray maternity sweatpants—yes, the ones with the mysterious bleach stain on the left thigh...
The Ugly Truth About Those Viral Baby Hazel Games
It was 4:13 PM on a Tuesday and I was wearing my husband Dave’s oversized college hoodie that smelled faintly of old garlic, holding a lukewarm mug of French roast that I had already microwaved three separate times. I was...
Why The Sore Loser Baby Phase Feels Like A Fatal System Error
7:14 PM. The structural integrity of the three-block tower has failed. My 11-month-old son, Leo, is staring at the fallen soft rubber cubes like they just insulted his ancestors. His face turns the color of a locally sourced Portland beet,...
The Great Baby Spielzeug Overload: Surviving the Toy Avalanche
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was performing what I thought was a routine diaper exchange protocol in the dark when my left heel made contact with a singing plastic farm animal. I don't know what kind...
Why I Completely Surrendered to the Fisher-Price Baby Era
It's 4:17 in the morning, and my bare foot has just made solid, agonising contact with the Smart Stages Puppy in the dark hallway. Without warning, an aggressively cheerful, synthetic voice belts out, "I SEE YOU!" followed immediately by that...
That Night a Baby Hazel App Cost Me Nine Bucks and Total Sanity
I was elbow-deep in printing shipping labels for my Etsy shop at ten o'clock on a Tuesday night, entirely convinced my four-year-old was dead asleep in his room, when my Apple watch buzzed with an $8.99 charge from the App...