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The Weird Baby Oil Diddy Drama Taught Me A Vital Skincare Lesson
I was elbow-deep in the bathtub trying to scrub a week-old, half-peeled Paw Patrol temporary tattoo off my oldest son's shoulder blade when my phone buzzed with the tenth internet joke of the morning. Between packing up fifteen monogrammed burlap...
Why I threw our smart baby heart monitor in the trash
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, raining sideways against our Portland windows, when the klaxon sounded. It wasn't a gentle beep. It was the specific, terrifying frequency of a submarine dive alarm broadcasting directly from my nightstand. My wife...
My Disastrous Attempt at Raising a Pokémon Fan (And What Worked)
It was a Tuesday in 2019, I was running on maybe three hours of broken sleep, wearing a pair of Target leggings that smelled vaguely of sour milk, and I decided this was the perfect moment to introduce my then-two-year-old...
The Real Truth About Buying A Graphic Baby Tee Without The Rash
My mom took one look at the retro Snoopy shirt I bought for my third baby and flat-out told me the plastic ink would give him a rash so I should throw it in the trash immediately. My mother-in-law, bless...
The Truth About Baby Bunnies and Toddlers (A Survival Story)
I was knee-deep in packing tape, desperately trying to get three Etsy orders boxed up before the mail carrier arrived, while balancing my sweaty four-month-old on my hip. That's exactly when my oldest, Jackson, came sprinting through the back screen...
Why the Dust Baby Meme is Harmless but Your Floor is Toxic
I'm currently sitting on the floor at eye level with the baseboards, watching a shaft of afternoon Portland sunlight illuminate roughly ten million floating particles in our living room, while my 11-month-old daughter tries to eat a grey fuzzball she...
The Henry Cavill Baby Era: What I Wish I Knew Before the Chaos
It was 6:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was standing barefoot on my freezing kitchen tiles, wearing my husband Tom’s oversized gray sweatpants—the ones with an unidentified, crusty yogurt stain on the left thigh that I keep forgetting to...
How Old Are Baby Boomers? A Dad's Guide to Grandparent Rules
"Put the quilt down, Mom." I was standing in the doorway of the nursery at 8:00 PM, physically blocking my mother's path to the crib like a bouncer at a deeply uncool nightclub. She was holding a blanket that weighed...
Why Humphrey the Beanie Baby Is a Hard No for My 11-Month-Old
I'm currently holding a beige, slightly cross-eyed plush camel that smells faintly of an attic and 1996. My mother-in-law just proudly handed it to me across our kitchen island. Apparently, she unearthed this thing from her garage after solving the...