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How Do People Abadon Babies? A Letter To Myself
Dear Sarah from six months ago, It's 2:14 AM. You're sitting on the cold, weirdly sticky tile of the upstairs bathroom floor. You're wearing Dave's gray Villanova sweatpantsβthe ones with the literal hole in the left knee that you keep...
Half Angel Baby Anime Trends: My 2 AM Online Shopping Confession
Dear Sarah from last October. Itβs 2:14 AM. Youβre sitting on the cold kitchen tiles in those grey yoga pants with the mysterious yogurt stain on the left knee, drinking coffee that went cold six hours ago. Maya, who's somehow...
Goro and Tropi Blowjob Baby: A Toddler Internet Safety Nightmare
It was 6:14 AM on a Tuesday, and the flat was freezing because our boiler has the temperament of an aging rock star. I was standing in the kitchen, staring intensely at the kettle, willing the water to boil through...
Smelling like a powdery Brazilian memory won't save your sanity
I was sitting on the edge of the tub, staring at a bottle of Giovanna Baby classic lotion my auntie brought over after the birth. It's pink. It smells like a 1970s powder room mixed with a lingering cherry blossom....
Viewing Baby Rabbit Growth Stages Without the Toddler Chaos
Don't, under any circumstances, take twin two-year-olds to a local petting farm during birthing season. We were knee-deep in Somerset mud last Tuesday when Twin A locked eyes with a newborn kit, let out a war cry that rattled my...
Real Paint Adventures vs That Homestuck MSPFA Internet Trap
I was up to my elbows in plain Greek yogurt and beet juice, desperately trying to whisk together a Pinterest-perfect non-toxic finger paint, when my oldestβlet's just call him Baby M for this story, though he's five now and a...
Why I Went Down a Late-Night Rabbit Hole About Crib Scandals
I was holding a 20-volt DeWalt impact driver in one hand and a piece of splintered, ostensibly non-toxic mahogany in the other when my wife gently suggested from the doorway that I was "doing it wrong." It was a Tuesday...
Why That October 8th Beanie Baby Birthday Twin Belongs on a Shelf
My mother-in-law brought over Bo the Portuguese Water Dog last week. She proudly announced he was an October 8th beanie baby, which meant he was my daughter's exact birthday twin. My sister-in-law immediately texted me to put it in the...
A Note From The Future About That October 6 Beanie Baby Idea
Dear Marcus from six months ago, you're currently hovering your cursor over the "Buy It Now" button on eBay at 2:14 AM while your five-month-old is finally asleep after what felt like a system-wide hardware failure. You've just discovered that...