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A tired dad trying to read estate planning paperwork while twin toddlers dismantle the living room

Dear Past Tom: The Actual Trust Fund Baby Meaning (63 chars)

Dear Tom from exactly six months ago, You're currently sitting in a solicitor’s waiting room in zone 3, trying to peel a smashed Rice Krispie square off a faux-leather chair before Mr. Henderson comes out to discuss your estate. Twin...

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A tired dad holding a toddler who is aggressively wielding a wooden toy

What Is Love Baby Dont Hurt Me: Toddlers & 90s Dance Anthems

It's 6:43 AM on a Tuesday, and I'm currently bleeding quite profusely from the bridge of my nose while mentally reviewing the Billboard Hot 100 charts from 1993. My left eye is watering. My dignity left the building sometime during...

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A chaotic living room floor covered in toddler toys and half-eaten rice cakes

Rihanna A AP Rocky Third Baby: The Madness of Three Under Four

It was 7:13 AM on a Tuesday, and I was attempting to pry a half-sucked rice cake from the iron grip of twin A, while twin B was vigorously trying to feed a wet wipe to the cat. My phone...

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A toddler holding a very realistic silicone baby doll by the leg

A letter to myself before buying real life baby dolls for twins

Dear Tom from six months ago. You're currently standing at the kitchen island at 11:42 PM, holding a Stanley knife, staring at a cardboard box that just arrived from a specialty toy retailer. When you slice through that packing tape...

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Tired dad holding a smartphone while twin toddlers play in the background

The Mason Disick Baby Hoax and My Massive Digital Parenting Panic

My mum told me on Tuesday that if I ever post another photo of the girls online, criminals on the dark web will steal their identities and open credit cards in their names. A bloke I vaguely know from the...

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Exhausted dad trying to support two wobbly twin baby heads at once

The Terrifying Bobblehead Phase: Babies Holding Their Heads Up

My mother-in-law was holding Florence, who was precisely eighteen days old at the time, when she decided to gesture wildly with both hands while telling a long-winded story about a rogue fox in her garden. For three horrifying seconds, Florence’s...

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Toddler looking confused at a tablet playing pop music videos

Why "Yes Baby Madison Beer" Is Not A Sleep Training Guide

The biggest lie we tell ourselves as modern parents is that the internet’s search bar is a safe space so long as it contains the word "baby." I learned this the hard way last Tuesday afternoon, sitting on the edge...

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Tired dad looking at a baby photo album surrounded by baby toys

The hilariously chaotic quest to find a safe lil baby album

I was sitting in the dark at half past midnight on a Tuesday, entirely covered in what I deeply hoped was just pureed parsnip from dinner, trying to complete a simple parental task. The twins, Florence and Matilda, had finally...

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A very tired British dad trying to swaddle a wriggling newborn baby.

The Real Truth About How to Make a Baby Survive the First Year

I was standing in the kitchen at 4:13 a.m., wearing a dressing gown that smelled distinctly of sour milk, frantically pumping my daughter's tiny legs like she was participating in the Tour de France. My wife was hunched over the...

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