The Babies R Us Registry Panic: A Letter to My Anxious Past Self
Dear Sarah from exactly six months ago, You're currently sitting in the driverβs seat of your Subaru in the parking lot of a Kohlβs, wearing those black leggings that have the weird hole near the knee, and you're literally vibrating...
The baby scale anxiety trap (and why we threw ours out)
It's 4:12 AM on a Tuesday, and I'm standing in the kitchen illuminated only by the aggressive blue backlight of an LCD screen, trying to calculate the relative density of a soiled nappy. I'm staring at an Excel spreadsheet that...
Letter to Past Marcus: Debugging the Baby Bed Infrastructure
Dear Marcus from six months ago, I'm writing this to you while you're currently sitting cross-legged on the nursery floor, staring at a stripped Allen wrench at 2:00 AM. You're probably sweating. You've got a level pressed against a mattress,...
Baby Alien Erome: Surviving The Extraterrestrial Phase
The most insidious lie peddled to expectant parents isn't that you'll eventually sleep again, or that you'll somehow maintain your pre-baby social life (you won't, and honestly, staying in is cheaper anyway). The biggest myth is that newborns arrive looking...
The brutal code brown math of the baby 5 one piece outfit rotation
It's 3:14 AM on a Tuesday in mid-January. The smell hits me before the crying even starts. I'm standing over the crib in the dark, and my three-month-old has somehow managed to paint himself, the sheets, and the wall behind...
The brutal truth about your babies vaccine schedule and tears
The paper on the exam table sounds like a giant potato chip bag every time he kicks his chunky little legs. I'm staring at the metal tray holding three tiny syringes. I used to prep these exact trays. I've seen...
Surviving The Slippery Newborn Phase With A Mesh Seat
My knees were cracking against the cold hexagonal tile of our vintage Chicago apartment bathroom while I gripped a screaming, six-pound human who felt exactly like a wet football covered in olive oil. The tap was running. Steam was fogging...
How To Keep A Baby Alive: Sleep, Teeth, And The Absolute Chaos
It was exactly 3:14 AM, and I was standing in the middle of Leoβs nursery wearing a nursing bra that smelled distinctively of sour milk and Daveβs gray college sweatpants. I was sobbing quietly because I couldn't, for the absolute...
Late Night Feeds And The Baby Trapped By The Billionaire Obsession
When the twins were born, everyone had brilliant, entirely conflicting theories about surviving the night feeds. My mum swore by keeping the room pitch black and humming ancient Celtic lullabies. The NHS health visitor suggested doing complex mental maths to...