The ugly truth about that neon plastic baby play gym you just bought
I was sitting cross-legged on my living room rug at three in the morning, holding a screwdriver and weeping quietly over a piece of molded plastic that required four D batteries. The box promised it would stimulate my newborn's cognitive...
Why buying boys dress pants is a specific kind of modern torture
I'm currently wedged next to the sanitary bin in the disabled toilet of a twelfth-century Surrey church, sweating completely through my only clean wedding suit, attempting to wrestle a screaming two-year-old into a pair of miniature, fiercely rigid navy slacks....
The Truth About Newborn Onesies (And What You Actually Need)
It's 3:14 AM in November of 2017. Maya is exactly three weeks old. I'm wearing a milk-stained nursing bra, one single maternity sock because I lost the other one in the hallway, and I'm holding a mug of coffee that...
The Brutal Truth About Car Seats For Babies And Surviving The Setup
It was late August in Texas, meaning the hospital parking lot felt like the inside of a preheated oven. My husband Dave was violently yanking a seatbelt through a gray plastic base, sweating completely through his shirt, while the discharge...
The Absurd Reality of Buying Newborn Outfits for the First Time
It's 4:13 AM on a Tuesday, and I'm actively wrestling a pair of miniature, stiff denim jeans onto a creature that has the structural integrity of a warm Yorkshire pudding. This was my grand introduction to the greatest myth of...
The No-Nonsense Guide to Buying Secondhand Baby Stuff Safely
I was standing in a humid church gymnasium at 7 AM on a Saturday, seven months pregnant with my oldest son, fighting a woman in a denim jumper for a plastic bouncy seat that smelled faintly of sour milk. I...
A Letter to Myself: What I Wish I Knew Before Entering the Toy Store
Dear Tom from exactly six months ago, You're currently standing in the middle of aisle four of a massive, warehouse-style toy store just off the M25, sweating profusely into your supposedly breathable cotton t-shirt while the twins double-team a meltdown...
Why You Are Totally Confused By Those Tiny Receiving Blankets
I was sitting on my living room floor a few days after my oldest son's baby shower, completely surrounded by a mountain of these tiny, square flannel blankets that someone had lovingly rolled up like little burritos and tied with...
How to Buy Good Bibs for Adults Without Sacrificing Dignity
We were twenty minutes into Thanksgiving dinner two years ago when it happened. My grandmother, who has always dressed like sheβs about to have tea with the Queen, was trying to lift a spoonful of gravy. Her hand gave that...