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The Exact Moment My Twin Girls Decided to Become Fully Mobile
I was halfway through a tepid mug of Yorkshire tea when I heard the distinct sound of a skull making soft, rhythmic contact with cheap Swedish MDF. It was Tuesday, approximately 10:14 AM, and Mia had finally discovered how to...
The Beanie Baby Delusion: Why I Booted My Childhood Collection
I was standing ankle-deep in fiberglass insulation in my parents' attic last Thanksgiving, holding a massive, dust-caked Rubbermaid tub. Inside was what my 1998 brain calculated to be roughly $40,000 worth of brightly colored plush toys. I actually looked at...
Why the Baby Driver Cast Fooled Me on Family Movie Night
My oldest boy, Jackson, is standing dead center in the living room wearing mismatched dinosaur pajamas, clutching a half-eaten string cheese like a microphone, and staring completely wide-eyed at our television screen. It's 9:45 PM on a Friday. He's supposed...
Why Baby Reindeer is Actually a Terrible Nursery Theme (And Show)
On a random Tuesday last month, I received three completely contradictory pieces of data within the span of six hours. First, my coworker Todd slacked me a message between server deployments saying, "Dude, you gotta check out that baby reindeer...
The Truth About The Baby Driver Movie And Actual Car Seat Safety
Let's talk about the biggest, fattest lie the universe feeds expecting parents: that babies inherently love riding in the car. You know the exact myth I'm talking about. You've probably seen those pristine, beige-aesthetic moms on Instagram claiming that all...
Dear Past Me: The Truth About That Newborn Jumper Fantasy
Dear Tom of six months ago, You're currently sitting on the hallway floor of our terribly drafted London flat at 3:14 in the morning. Your left shoulder smells aggressively of sour milk, your right knee is entirely numb from the...
That Viral Crochet Leaf Blanket Pattern: What No One Tells You
When I first decided I was going to make something beautiful for my third baby's nursery, the opinions came flying at me faster than a toddler hopped up on apple juice. My grandma told me to just use whatever cheap...
Dear Past Marcus: Troubleshooting the Great Baby Mat Matrix
Row 47 of my "Baby Infrastructure" Google Sheet is where my sanity finally encountered a fatal error. It was 2:14 AM. The ambient temperature in the nursery was exactly 71.4 degrees, I had logged 11 wet diapers for the day,...
Wie groΓ sollte eine Babydecke sein? A dad's troubleshooting guide
The left rear wheel of the stroller locked up with a brutal clicking noise right in the middle of a crosswalk in Portlandβs Pearl District. It was raining, obviously, because we live in Oregon and taking an 11-month-old outside requires...