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Debugging the architectural nightmare of a newborn sweater set
Iβm currently staring at a tiny, cream-colored cable-knit tube of fabric. My wife Sarah is in the other room, and my son is lying on the changing table, doing that terrifying infant stiff-board maneuver where every muscle in his three-week-old...
The Great Onesie Lie and Why Newborn Long Sleeve T Shirts Win
I'm standing in the nursery, it's like 3:14 AM, I'm wearing a nursing bra that smells vaguely of sour milk and Dave's oversized college sweatpants, and I'm practically in tears over three tiny metal crotch snaps. Before you've a baby,...
The Newborn Kimono Top: A First-Time Dadβs Troubleshooting Guide
My mom told me babies only need plain white onesies because that's what I wore and I survived with all my limbs intact. The aggressively hip barista at my local Portland coffee shop insisted I only use hand-woven hemp sacks...
The Great Layering Crash: Figuring Out Fall Baby Girl Outfits
We were in the back of my Subaru Outback in the Sauvie Island pumpkin patch parking lot, and my eleven-month-old daughter was emitting the thermal energy of a small sun. It was maybe 58 degrees outside. But inside the car,...
The 3 AM Panic That Forced Us Into the Sleeping Bag Baby Phase
It was 2:14 AM and my oldest son, Beauβwho's now four and continues to be my living, breathing cautionary tale for literally everythingβwas screaming. Not his usual "I lost my pacifier" sleep-grunt. The kind of panicked scream that makes your...
How a Simple Ribbed Onesie Saved My Sanity During a 3 AM Blowout
It's 3:14 AM on a Tuesday. I'm dealing with Diaper #284, and containment has been fully breached. The biohazard has traveled up my 11-month-old's spine, past his shoulder blades, and is currently threatening his neckline. I'm sweating through my t-shirt,...
The Truth About Suction Bowls for Toddlers (And What Actually Works)
It was 6:13 PM on a random Tuesday, and I was wearing a grey college sweatshirt that used to belong to my husband Dave but was now permanently stained with what I desperately hoped was just pureed sweet potato. Maya,...
The Truth About Capri Leggings for Girls and Summer Knees
I was sitting in the back of my minivan in a Target parking lot last July, desperately trying to peel a pair of sweat-cemented, neon pink synthetic leggings off my screaming three-year-old, when I finally broke. The temperature in rural...
A Letter to My Past Self About the Physics of Baby Tableware
Dear Marcus from exactly six months ago, You're currently sitting at the kitchen island, staring at a splatter of pureed sweet potato slowly seeping beneath the 'Esc' key of your favorite mechanical keyboard. You're holding a standard ceramic ramekin in...