The Messy Truth About Trying to Dream Feed Baby Every Night
My foot found the only rogue plastic dinosaur left on the rug at 10:43 PM. I bit my lip so hard I tasted copper, balancing a warm bottle of pumped milk in my left hand while trying not to breathe...
I Googled "Do Baby Teeth Have Roots" at 3 AM and Now I'm Terrified
It's exactly 3:14 AM, and my index finger is currently wedged inside my eleven-month-old's mouth. I'm conducting a blind tactical sweep of his lower gums because he has been waking up screaming every two hours, and I'm desperately trying to...
Do Babies Sleep More When Teething? The Exhausting Truth
I was staring at the glowing green screen of the baby monitor at 2:14 PM on a Tuesday, completely paralyzed by a mixture of deep relief and mounting panic. Florence and Matilda had been asleep for two and a half...
Dressing Your Infant in a Devil's Rejects Baby Firefly Costume
The single biggest myth in modern parenting is the delusion that your infant is a blank, cooperative canvas for your own deeply specific pop-culture obsessions. I discovered this entirely too late while trying to explain to a very judgmental woman...
Tracking Down a December 9th Beanie Baby is Total Madness
It started, as most of my parenting anxieties do, with a casual comment over a lukewarm flat white. When the twins were approaching their birthday, my mother-in-law declared I simply had to find a plush toy with their exact birth...
So, Can Your Newborn Really Be Born With Teeth? (My Freakout)
The biggest, most universally accepted myth about giving birth is that you're going to be handed this perfect, squishy, entirely gummy little blob of a human. I fully believed this. I thought I had at least six solid months of...
Late Night Lullabies: Its All Over Now Baby Blue Chords & The Blues
When we brought my oldest son home from the hospital, my mom immediately told me to put him in his crib, shut the heavy wooden door, and let his lungs develop by crying it out. Bless her heart, she survived...
My Honest Take On That Half Baby Half Kid Meme Phase of Parenting
I was sitting on the cold tile of my bathroom floor in Chicago at two in the morning. My son was outside the door, doing that specific hyperventilating sob because I had peeled his banana. He asked me to peel...
To Past Jess: What to Know About That September 24th Birthday Plush
Dear Jess of six months ago: Right now, you're sitting cross-legged on the sticky floor of the Goodwill on Highway 84, aggressively Googling plush toy birthdates while your youngest tries to eat a rogue Cheeto off your shoe. You just...