What Actually Is This Trump Baby Bonus Thing Anyway?
"So wait, does the government just mail us a check for a thousand bucks?" That was my husband, Dave, literally yelling from the bathroom while I was trying to pour my third cup of coffee yesterday morning. Ten minutes later...
Was Ed Gein A Babysitter? True Crime Myths & Real Childcare Fears
I was standing in my laundry room on Tuesday, elbow-deep in a pile of spit-up stained onesies, when my phone completely melted down with contradictory advice about leaving my kids. My mom called first, full of anxiety, telling me I...
Why The Phrase I'm The Joker Baby Sent Me Into A Late Night Panic
It was 2:14 AM. I know the exact time because the glowing red numbers on our kitchen microwave were burning into my retinas while I swayed back and forth, doing that desperate zombie-mom bounce. I was wearing my husband Mark's...
Why newborn babies come out covered in slippery cream cheese
The lights in the surgical theatre were violently bright, the machines were beeping in a rhythm that did absolutely nothing for my blood pressure, and I had been awake for approximately thirty-six hours. My wife was hidden behind a sterile...
The "i just a baby" phase ruined my pediatric nursing degree
I'm staring at the digital clock on my breast pump. It's 3:14 AM in my freezing Chicago apartment, the wind off Lake Michigan is rattling the windowpanes, and I can't remember what a let-down reflex is. Four years of nursing...
The Hydrogen Bomb vs Coughing Baby Meme: A Letter to Past Me
Dear Jess from six months ago. You're currently standing in the hallway at 3:14 AM holding a humidifier tank that's leaking all over your fuzzy slippers, crying because your little G baby, Georgia, sounds like a pack-a-day smoker, and you're...
A Mom's Messy Guide to Figuring Out if Your Baby Chicks are Roosters
Dear Jess from six months ago, who's currently standing in the middle of the feed store with a baby on your hip, a toddler hanging on your leg, and a four-year-old begging for a fuzzy yellow cotton ball... Put the...
The messy truth about putting a newborn on paper without going crazy
It's raining sideways in Chicago. The kind of rain that makes you reconsider ever leaving your house again. We're trapped in the living room, and the walls are closing in. Rohan has a fistful of crushed crayons and is demanding...
Wait, How Old Is Too Old To Have A Baby? The Messy, Honest Truth
I was sitting on our bathroom floor in my lucky, aggressively holey gray sweatpants, staring at a positive pregnancy test and doing frantic mental math. Maya was three, I was thirty-seven, and my husband Dave was downstairs making his incredibly...