Debugging the erratic hardware of your newborn's respiratory system
My mother-in-law confidently told me that if the nursery is completely quiet, the baby is sleeping perfectly and I should go make a sandwich. My lead developer at work, however, told me that I needed to purchase a hospital-grade under-mattress...
Why My Real Life Looks Exactly Like a Baby Blues Comic Today
I'm currently sitting on my slightly sticky living room floor with a half-eaten fish cracker stuck to my left knee. My two-year-old is trying to put the dog in a headlock, and the baby just blew out his diaper with...
Debugging Infant Sleep With The Taking Cara Babies Framework
The glow of my phone screen at 3:14 AM was the only light in the room, illuminating my desperate, one-thumbed Google search: taking cara babi sleep help please. Outside, the endless Portland drizzle was doing its best to act as...
Hush Little Baby Bribes: A Late Night Letter To My Past Self
Hey Marcus of exactly six months ago. You're standing in the dark right now, aren't you? It's 3:14 AM. The nursery thermostat reads exactly 68.4 degrees because you checked the app three times. Your left shoulder is completely numb, you've...
Troubleshooting Da Baby: A Clueless Dad's System Log
I was standing over the bassinet at 3:14 AM holding a digital meat thermometer near my son's forehead, completely convinced his baseline operating temperature was running too hot. He was wearing a heavy fleece onesie in late August because I...
How a 3AM "CD Baby" Mix-Up Accidentally Fixed Our Sleep
The nursery thermostat read exactly 69.5 degrees, the humidifier was pumping at a steady 40 percent output, and my 11-week-old daughter was emitting a continuous, high-pitched frequency that felt like it was physically vibrating my teeth. It was 3:14 AM...
The 2 AM Panic: When Your Little One Finally Flips Over
It was exactly 2:13 AM on a Tuesday when the illusion of control in my parenting life officially shattered. My oldest, Leoβwho's now five and still my primary cautionary tale for most things in lifeβwas three and a half months...
The Justin Bieber Baby Sleep Hack That Would Have Saved My Sanity
It's 3:14 AM on a Tuesday in 2017. I'm wearing hospital-grade mesh underwear and an oversized, stained promotional t-shirt from a local 5K I walked, like, three years ago. I'm sitting on the very edge of our mattress, violently sobbing...
The Baby John Phenomenon: Decoding Screen Time & Newborn Life
"Just put on that little animated kid, it's basically a mute button for crying," my lead engineer told me over Slack while I bounced a screaming infant on my knee. "If he looks at a screen before he's two, his...