A Portland Dad's Honest Guide to Picking Gifts for Infants
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday when our system completely crashed. My son had just executed a flawless, database-corrupting diaper blowout, and my wife and I were running on maybe ninety total minutes of fragmented sleep. The nursery thermostat...
Why The Best Baby Gifts For Boys Donβt Have Batteries Or Sirens
I'm currently sitting on my living room rug, surrounded by what I can only describe as a localized explosion of primary-colored plastic, wondering who decided that every single present for a male infant needs to simulate a construction site emergency....
Why the Baby Brianna story changed how I debug dad burnout
My Apple Watch buzzed my wrist at 3:14 AM to congratulate me on starting an elliptical workout, which was objectively hilarious because I was actually just standing completely still in my kitchen in Portland, vibrating with a level of stress...
What a Netflix Stalker Taught Me About Toddler Firewalls
The blue glow of the television is casting long shadows against the living room wall, and I'm completely frozen. It's 2:13 AM. My son is currently asleep on my chest, a thin line of drool connecting his cheek to my...
The Baby Rottweiler Protocol: Debugging Life With a 100-Pound Dog
The system totally crashed on a Tuesday at 4:13 PM. It was pouring rain here in Portland, which meant our 115-pound dog, Buster, had completely refused to step outside to use the bathroom and was currently running on 100 percent...
Why I Took Kitchen Scissors to My Infant's First Pair of Sneakers
I was sweating through my shirt in a Target parking lot in late October, wrestling with a foot that looked exactly like a Hawaiian sweet roll. My oldest son was eight months old, and I was determined to get him...
Is It Floppy Baby Syndrome? Why Your Infant Feels Like A Ragdoll
My smartwatch buzzed with an abnormal heart rate alert right as my son's shoulders completely collapsed through my hands. It was week fourteen, roughly 2:15 AM, and I was just trying to execute a standard crib transfer. I had him...
Debugging the Roblox Baby Nessie Meltdown
Whatever you do, don't try to explain the mathematics of random number generation to an eight-year-old who's actively weeping onto your couch cushions. I learned this the hard way last Saturday. My nephew Leo was visiting for the weekend, huddled...
What an elon musk baby mama taught me about dad anxiety
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, and my 11-month-old son was doing this weird, rhythmic dolphin-screech breathing in my arms. Every time I tried to transfer him to the crib, his internal gyroscope detected the change in altitude and...