Magazine
Why Baby Face Nelson Has Nothing on My Toddler
It's 4:17 in the morning, and the glowing screen of my phone is illuminating half of my face while the other half is being rhythmically kicked by a two-year-old foot. I'm frantically trying to Google why one of my twin...
Why Adding a Baby Duck to Our Family Was a Terribly Stupid Idea
It was 3:14 AM on a Tuesday. The baby monitor was flashing that menacing yellow warning color, indicating my son was tossing around again. I was sitting on the edge of the bed in the dark, scrolling through a local...
The real baby driver 2: A letter to my past self about car seat panic
Dear Marcus from six months ago, You're currently idling in the driveway of the Hawthorne Fred Meyer in your Subaru. The engine is running. The heater is set exactly to 70 degrees because you read somewhere that anything else will...
Dear Past Priya: What I Wish I Knew About Buying A Baby Dresser
Dear Priya from six months ago. You're currently sitting cross-legged on the floor of the guest room, staring at a particleboard plank and crying over a Swedish instruction manual. You have a screwdriver in one hand and half a jar...
The Myth of Baby Art and How to Actually Survive It
I’m currently staring at a active purple streak on the toe of my left sneaker. It arrived there about an hour ago, during what my wife and I ambitiously labeled "creative enrichment time." The biggest myth of modern parenting—propagated almost...
Surviving the baby dragon phase and other midnight disasters
It’s 4:12 AM in our London flat, and Florence is standing upright in her cot, gripping the wooden bars like a tiny, furious inmate, screaming for a mythical reptile. Matilda, her twin, is entirely asleep but sporadically kicking the plaster...
The Great Baby Doppler Debug: Why I Stopped Tracking Heartbeats
My mother told me that if I just pressed a toilet paper tube against my wife’s belly, I could hear the baby’s heartbeat perfectly. A senior developer on my team swore by buying a discarded clinical-grade ultrasound machine off eBay...
The Great Toddler Empathy Crisis and My Stained Maternity Shirt
I was exactly thirty-four weeks pregnant with Maya, sweating profoundly through a mustard-yellow maternity top that had a coffee stain shaped exactly like Florida right on the collarbone. It was 3:14 PM on a Tuesday, which is universally the worst...
The Absurdity of Sitcom Fathers and the Sticky Reality of Baby D Drops
There I was at 3:14 in the morning, wedged into the corner of the sofa with a rapidly cooling bottle of formula tucked under my chin, desperately trying to keep Twin A from kicking her sister in the head. The...