Magazine
Surviving the Baby Mozart Delusion With Two Extremely Loud Twins
It was 3:14 AM on a dismal, rain-soaked London Tuesday, and I was pinned to the sofa beneath two howling six-month-olds, frantically jabbing at my phone with my nose. I was trying to skip a shockingly loud Spotify advert for...
The Real Reason I Cried About My Baby's Name at the Hospital
I was sitting in exactly the wrong position on that terrible plastic-covered hospital mattress, wearing mesh underwear that I swear was designed as a medieval torture device, nursing a lukewarm cup of what the cafeteria boldly claimed was coffee, when...
The 3 AM Snot Exorcism: A Guide To Your Baby Nose Sucker
It's 3:14 AM. I'm sitting on the edge of the nursery glider, wearing a nursing bra that definitely smells like sour milk and my husband Dave's faded Pearl Jam t-shirt. My four-month-old, Leo, is making a sound that I can...
Is That Tiny Baby Nutribullet Actually Worth Your Counter Space?
I was standing in my kitchen staring at a raw sweet potato like it had personally offended me, completely paralyzed by the sheer volume of conflicting advice Iβd received in the last forty-eight hours. My mother-in-law had just been leaning...
The Honest Truth About Using Baby Oil Gel on Newborns
My mother-in-law told me to massage my son in warm mustard oil until he resembled a glazed donut. My favorite attending physician from the pediatric ward said to stick to dry air and benign neglect. The internet moms told me...
A Letter to Past Me About That Melting Baby on Board Sticker
Dear Tom of Six Months Ago, You're currently standing in the drizzle outside the Tesco Extra in Purley, holding a half-eaten, saliva-dissolved rice cake in your left hand while using the thumbnail of your right hand to furiously scrape at...
The Surprising First Responder Truth About Baby On Board Stickers
My mom handed me the classic yellow diamond at my wife's baby shower, saying it would force aggressive Portland drivers to stop tailgating our Subaru. Two days later, my father-in-law told me to throw it directly in the trash because...
What to Do When Your Kids Find a Tiny Opossum in the Backyard
Tuesday morning. 7:14 AM. I'm standing in the damp grass wearing my husband's oversized flannel bathrobe, one fuzzy sock because the dog stole the other one, and holding a mug of coffee that has already been microwaved three separate times....
Debugging the Pod: Why a Baby Orca is the Best Parenting Blueprint
I'm sitting in the dark at 3:14 AM, watching a nature documentary on mute while my 11-month-old attempts to gnaw off my left collarbone. He's wide awake, absolutely vibrating with energy, while I'm mentally calculating how many minutes of REM...