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Finding An August 3rd Beanie Baby: The Truth About Birthday Twins
It was exactly 2:14 AM on a Tuesday, I was wearing Daveβs grey college track pants with a crusty spot of peach yogurt on the left knee, and I was literally locked in a high-stakes bidding war with a stranger...
When Your Baby Squirrel Is Good At Everything (Except Sleeping)
It was a Tuesday. 2:14 PM. I was standing in my kitchen wearing black leggings that hadn't seen the inside of a washing machine since the previous Thursday and a nursing bra that was basically just a loose suggestion of...
The Great "Baby Tana Porn" Autocomplete Disaster Of 2024
At exactly 7:14 PM last Tuesday, my wife stopped breathing. It wasn't a medical emergency, but rather a sharp, terrifying inhalation of pure, unfiltered judgment. We were sitting on the couch in our Portland living room, the rain aggressively attacking...
The Truth About Giving Your Baby Pickles for the Very First Time
It was August 2017, and we were in my brother-in-lawβs backyard for a family barbecue. I was standing there, sweating through a stained maternity tank top that I absolutely should have retired three months prior, balancing a seven-month-old Leo on...
My Brother's Cry Baby Bubble Gum Gag Gift Caused a Full System Panic
My brother Dave stood in our kitchen holding a plastic tub shaped like a giant teardrop, grinning like he had just solved a complex algorithm. Dave is 28, works in crypto, and his entire frame of reference for human infants...
Lil Baby Fridayy - Forever Chords: The 2 AM Search Mix-Up
The biggest lie the parenting internet tells you is that you can safely operate a search engine while running on two hours of sleep and a lukewarm cup of yesterday's coffee. Let me paint a picture for you. It was...
The "Babi Chula Porn" Typo: A Warning to Sleep-Deprived Parents
Dear Tom from exactly six months ago, You're currently sitting in the nursery rocking chair at 3:14 am, bathed in the harsh blue light of your smartphone while Twin A attempts to extract your left incisor with her surprisingly sharp...
The Truth About That Cute Baby Milo Keychain (And My Mom Guilt)
It was a random Tuesday in October, like, 2018 maybe? Maya was about seven months old, and we were sitting outside this aggressively hip coffee shop in Brooklynβthe kind where a basic iced oat milk latte costs seven dollars and...
So, Can Your Newborn Really Be Born With Teeth? (My Freakout)
The biggest, most universally accepted myth about giving birth is that you're going to be handed this perfect, squishy, entirely gummy little blob of a human. I fully believed this. I thought I had at least six solid months of...