Why That Motorized Baby G Wagon Almost Ruined My Tuesday
It was 9:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was wearing a pair of yoga pants that had lost their elasticity sometime around the Obama administration, sprinting down our gently sloping driveway while screaming at my four-year-old son, Leo. He...
The Day We Brought A Swamp Creature Into My Kitchen
It was exactly 7:14 AM on a Tuesday, and I was standing in my kitchen wearing my husbandβs ten-year-old college sweatshirt with a mysterious bleach stain on the sleeve. I hadn't even taken my first sip of lukewarm oat milk...
The Horrifying Truth About Baby FNAF: A Tired Dad's Discovery
At 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, my daughter Maya sat bolt upright in her cot, pointed a trembling, chubby finger at the slightly ajar wardrobe door, and shrieked something about a clown with a claw in its tummy. Her twin...
Surviving the Absolute Chaos of Your Baby First Food Milestone
There's a very specific sound that pureed sweet potato makes when it hits a freshly painted Victorian ceiling, and I can tell you with absolute certainty that it resembles a wet golf ball striking mud. I was standing in our...
The Real Baby Fever Meaning: From Cute Cravings to 2 AM Panics
I was standing in the baby aisle of a Target in 2014, wearing one of those aggressively chunky infinity scarves that were a literal choke hazard, weeping into my overpriced iced Americano. A woman had just walked past me wearing...
Why My Spine Hated Me Until I Finally Figured Out Baby Ergo Rules
It was August 2019 at the Blanco County Fair, and I was actively regretting every life decision that had led me to that exact moment. I was sweating through a cheap polyester carrier Iβd grabbed off a clearance rack, my...
A Dad's 3 AM Guide to Surviving Your First Baby Ear Infection
Dear Tom from November, It's currently 3:14 AM. You're standing in the kitchen illuminated only by the aggressive blue light of the microwave clock, holding Maya, who's emitting a high-pitched, sustained note usually reserved for distressed dolphins. You're trying to...
The 2 AM Google Panic: What a "Baby Drill" Actually Means Today
It was exactly 2:14 AM when the daycare app pushed a notification to my phone. I was already awake because D (that's how my son is logged in my sleep-tracker spreadsheet, just "Baby D" to save keystrokes at three in...
The absolute disaster of putting your infant in a fancy baby dress
We're at my sister-in-law's house in Naperville for a holiday party. My daughter is four months old and I've wrestled her into a heavily embroidered, synthetic silk baby dress that cost more than my first stethoscope. She looks like a...