The absolute panic of searching for my twins' missing kneecaps
The thud was the exact sort of hollow, resonant sound that makes every parentβs stomach drop instantly into their shoes. It was a wet Tuesday evening in November, the kind of London night where the rain sideways-assaults the windows, and...
Why a weighted sleep sack almost broke my parenting resolve
The glow of my phone screen was the only light in the nursery, casting long, vaguely sinister shadows over two cots containing infants who had apparently unionised and agreed to strike against sleep. It was 3:14 in the morning. My...
The myth of the peacefully occupied infant (and how to survive a bu...
I currently have one foot planted firmly on a rogue piece of Tupperware, while the other is trying to gently slide a half-eaten rice cake out from under the sofa before the dog finds it. The twins, at two years...
Why putting tiny shades on twins feels like a hostage negotiation
I'm currently crouched behind the garden shed, clutching a pair of miniature, neon-pink plastic frames like they're a live grenade, trying to figure out which of my two-year-old daughters is least likely to bite me if I approach her face....
How to Serve Baby Shower Food Without Poisoning the Mother
There's a pervasive, Pinterest-fueled lie that catering a baby shower is an exercise in elegant pastel minimalism involving delicate cucumber sandwiches and unbothered women laughing in sunlit rooms. It's actually a high-stakes hostage negotiation with bacteria where one wrong slice...
Surviving The Baby Shoe Size Chart Without Losing Your Sanity
The rain was lashing against the window of the shoe shop on Oxford Street, creating a deeply depressing backdrop for what was rapidly becoming the worst Tuesday of my life. Twin B (Evie) was actively trying to consume a damp...
How To Relieve Constipation In Babies Quickly (Without Panicking)
Dear Tom of eighteen months ago. You're currently standing in the kitchen at 3:17 AM, illuminated only by the aggressive LED glow of the microwave clock, holding a completely rigid infant. Mayaβs face is the exact shade of a Royal...
Orajel Baby Madness: Why Teething Advice Is Completely Broken
"Rub some brandy on their gums," my mother-in-law advised over a Sunday roast, looking at me as if I was the village idiot for not having a hip flask ready next to the changing mat. "Just use the blue teething...
Truths About the RSV Vaccine for Babies (And Surviving Winter)
There's a spectacularly dangerous lie told to first-time parents by well-meaning older relatives, usually delivered over a lukewarm cup of tea. They lean in conspiratorially and tell you that a mild winter cold is actually brilliant for building up a...