Botanical Interests Organic Lettuce Mesclun Gourmet Baby Seed
I was standing in aisle four of the Pearl District Whole Foods, aggressively cross-referencing a bag of pre-washed spinach with the CDCβs active E. coli outbreak database on my phone, while my eleven-month-old actively tried to lick the shopping cart...
The absolute terror of serving meat baby food to a six-month-old
There I was, standing in our kitchen at half past seven in the morning, staring at a cardboard tube of organic baby rice that looked and smelled exactly like the Polyfilla I used to patch the hallway skirting board last...
The Night "Sugar Baby Production" Ruined My Search History
It's exactly 2:14 AM on a Tuesday, and the glowing blue square of the baby monitor is showing me the night-vision outline of my eleven-month-old son doing something that looks suspiciously like a plank. He has been teething for what...
Toddlers and Smoked Baby Back Ribs: My Messy Survival Guide
It was the Fourth of July, 2021, and I was wearing a white linen Zara sundress because I'm apparently an idiot who likes to tempt fate. Leo was just barely fourteen months old, sitting in his high chair on the...
The Great Sippy Cup Betrayal: Finding A Safe Baby Cup That Works
I was sitting on my sister's beige sofaβand really, who buys a beige sofa when they've a toddler and a dog?βat Thanksgiving a few years ago when the great cup wars began. I was holding Leo, who was exactly six...
The Truth About Baby Clams: A Panicked Parent's Feeding Guide
My mother-in-law firmly believes that giving any form of seafood to a child under the age of five will result in instant, spontaneous combustion. Meanwhile, a bloke I met at the playground in Greenwichβwho was wearing barefoot shoes and feeding...
A Dad's Guide to Smoking Baby Back Ribs for Tiny Humans
Dear Marcus from exactly six months ago, You're currently standing on the back patio in the Portland drizzle. You have a pair of metal tongs in one hand and your phone in the other, aggressively Googling Traeger recipes. Inside, your...
The Great Puree Glitch: Debugging Dinnertime
The ceiling of my Subaru Crosstrek currently has a modern art installation made entirely of organic sweet potato and turkey puree. I was driving down Interstate 84. My 11-month-old son, Leo, was screaming in the back seat. The temperature was...
The brutal truth about feeding your baby lamb meat at six months
My mother-in-law nearly dropped her chai when I told her what was in the slow cooker. She looked at me like I had personally wandered into a petting zoo and kidnapped a newborn animal. There's this bizarre, pervasive guilt in...