A London Dad's Nepo Baby Definition: Toddlers and Privilege
We're twenty-two minutes into the great Tupperware standoff of a rainy Tuesday morning. Maya is sitting on the rug, red-faced, grunting, and aggressively trying to pry the blue plastic lid off her container of blueberries. It's taking her forever, and...
Millie Bobby Brown's Adopted Baby Broke My Millennial Dad Brain
It's 3:14 AM and I'm currently trapped under twenty-two pounds of snoring infant who requires exactly 68.5 degrees ambient temperature to maintain his delicate sleep mode. I'm pinned to the nursing chair, my left arm has gone completely numb, and...
Max Verstappen Baby Quotes and the Packaged Chicken Problem
My mother-in-law told me I had to hold the baby firmly against my left pectoral so she could sync to my heartbeat like a Bluetooth device. My senior developer Slack-messaged me to keep the baby elevated at exactly a 45-degree...
The Ultimate Man vs Baby Guide: Debugging First-Year Fatherhood
Portland rain is violently smacking against the nursery window, and I'm staring at a dual-screen monitor setup that used to be only for gaming, but is now dedicated to a massive spreadsheet that's fundamentally mocking my existence. It's 2:14 AM....
The Viral Falling Baby Lawsuit Hoax vs Actual Window Tech
Thursday morning, my phone lit up with three completely incompatible push notifications about gravity and my 11-month-old. First, my mother-in-law texted me a frantic TikTok link claiming some random dude was dragged into court for half a million dollars after...
The Lily Collins Baby Backlash and My Parenting Firmware Update
It was 6:14 AM on a rainy Tuesday in Portland, and I was staring at a lukewarm cup of coffee while my 11-month-old son aggressively tried to pull my beard out from the roots. I had managed to wrestle him...
How to execute the sorry sir not your baby boundary script
We were in the produce section of the Hawthorne Fred Meyer, right between the bruised organic honeycrisps and that terrifying misting machine that sounds like a tiny jet engine spinning up. My 11-month-old son was strapped into his stroller, chewing...
The Sweet Baby Inc Panic: Why I Thought Our Nursery Was Compromised
I was sitting cross-legged on the floor of the nursery at 3:14 AM, frantically scanning the back of an organic lotion bottle with my phone flashlight, convinced I had somehow introduced a catastrophic vulnerability into our household infrastructure. My eleven-month-old...
My confusing search for a talented baby squirrel in Portland
My 11-month-old was actively attempting to ingest a handful of premium Portland moss when my phone vibrated in my pocket. We were doing our mandatory morning yard time, which mostly consists of me following him around like a poorly programmed...