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Lil Baby Harvard: Raising a tiny genius without losing your mind
Within forty-eight hours of bringing the twins home, I received three distinct pieces of unsolicited advice regarding their future intellectual dominance. My mother-in-law arrived with a set of high-contrast Mandarin flashcards (I speak passable French; my wife speaks sarcasm). Our...
The Brutal Truth About If Your Old Beanie Babies Are Worth Money
My mom hauled a dust-caked Rubbermaid tub down from her attic last Thanksgiving, slapped the lid with a triumphant thud, and announced she was handing over my children's college tuition. We were standing in the garage, dodging wasps, while she...
The Truth About the Baby Steps Game Uncensored Search Trend
I'm sitting on the floor of our extremely cramped London living room, scraping a substance that might be mashed banana (but is almost certainly worse) off my left knee, when my phone buzzes with a frantic text from my sister....
Searching Reddit for a Baby Walking Game at 2 AM Was a Mistake
It’s 2:14 AM. I'm wearing my husband’s horrific faded college track sweatpants—the ones with the inexplicable bleach stain on the left knee—and I'm hunched over my phone in the dark, furiously refreshing a forum thread. I'm holding a mug of...
Dear Past Marcus: Lil Nas X Industry Baby is Not a Nursery Song
Dear Marcus of exactly six months ago, Picture this exact scenario, because you're going to live it soon enough. You're standing in the kitchen, aggressively whisking a bottle of formula at 2:14 PM, wearing a gray t-shirt that hasn't seen...
Why I Quit Sketchy Parking Lot Meetups For Rebel Baby Gear
I was standing behind a deserted strip mall somewhere between Waco and Austin, sweating entirely through my favorite maternity shirt, about to hand a complete stranger a wad of cash for a high chair that smelled faintly of sour milk...
Why Searching Baby Dolls Dallas Is A Hilarious Parenting Mistake
Texas, for those who haven't had the pleasure of dragging a jet-lagged toddler through it, is less a state and more an ongoing experiment in aggressive air conditioning. We were staying in an Airbnb that smelled faintly of cinnamon and...
My 2 AM Fight About the Baby Boomer Age Range and Safe Sleep
The radiator in our Chicago apartment was hissing that dry, rhythmic sound it only makes in late January. It was two in the morning. I was standing in the doorway of the nursery, rubbing my eyes, watching my mother try...
How Baby ASL Fixed Our 11-Month-Old's Communication Bugs
At 3:14 AM on a Tuesday, I was holding a perfectly warmed, 98.6-degree bottle of formula out like a peace offering, while my eleven-month-old son shrieked like a dial-up modem failing to connect. I tried the bottle again. He slapped...