Magazine
What To Do When "Baby Girl Shake That" Invades Your Nursery
I'm currently watching two identical twenty-four-month-olds attempt what I can only describe as a synchronized club routine in the middle of our kitchen. Twin A is dropping into a deeply concerning squat, while Twin B is executing a rhythmic shoulder...
Debugging My Baby Girl's First Halloween Costume Disaster
I was standing in the driveway, sweating through my flannel, trying to solve a geometry problem that shouldn't exist. It was 52 degrees in Portland, a classic damp October morning, but my internal CPU was overheating because I couldn't get...
The Absolute Mess Of Buying Baby Gear (And What Actually Works)
It was 2017. November. A Tuesday, I think, and raining completely sideways. I was exactly thirty-two weeks pregnant with Maya, my second kid, and I was sitting completely cross-legged on the cold linoleum floor of aisle four at BuyBuyBaby (RIP...
The 3 AM pediatric nurse guide to surviving baby gas relief
The radiator is hissing in our Chicago apartment and my phone says it's 3:14 in the morning. My infant son is currently executing a flawless crunchy-frog maneuver on the changing table. His knees are pinned tight to his chest. His...
January Newborn Survival: Forget the Baby Garnet Birthstone Myths
It's three in the morning and you're holding a screaming two-week-old in a freezing, dark room. You type something stupid into your phone because you're desperately trying to figure out if your January newborn's stubbornness is astrological. You search for...
The Absolute Panic Of Finding Cute Baby Foxes In Your Backyard
I was standing on our back patio in my husband's hideous oversized college sweatpants, holding a lukewarm mug of French roast that I had literally just microwaved for the third time, when seven-year-old Maya started screaming bloody murder. She was...
My Messy, Caffeinated Guide to Decoding Infant Nutrition
It was November 2017 and I was wearing my husband Markβs oversized college sweatpantsβthe ones with the bleach stain on the left thigh that he refuses to throw awayβsitting completely paralyzed on our cold kitchen linoleum at 3:15 AM while...
Dear Past Jess: What I Wish I Knew Before Buying a Baby Pool Float
Dear Jess from last May, I know you're currently hyperventilating beside the inflatable kiddie pool, tasting cheap PVC plastic because you lost the air pump again, while Jacksonβour lovely, feral four-year-oldβis threatening to launch himself off the patio furniture into...
Decoding Baby First Tooth Symptoms: A Late-Night Debugging Guide
Dear Marcus circa six months ago: It's currently 2:14 AM, you're holding a glowing digital thermometer like a tricorder, and you're staring into the mouth of a very angry tiny human. You're convinced her entire operating system is crashing. You're...